THIS IS A LIE

My mum always said “the truth would set me free, especially when she knew I was the culprit. Past experience has made me realize that the truth only got my mum’s belt excited and the neighborhood drowning in the loud orchestrated sound of me wailing in agony. So NO! I don’t really believe the truth sets one free.

 

Ask yourself, did the truth set you free when made known? Or make the listening party pleased or distraught? Before speaking the truth I believe some important questions, bases, and possible outcome need to be considered. You need to always assess situations before acknowledging the truth. The person you’re telling the truth, can he deal/handle it? What happens when the truth leads to further despair, when a little lie could go a long way in making things work out fine? Whoever said let sleeping dogs lie I’m definitely sure said so after regretting telling the truth. Don’t get me wrong lying isn’t good, but wouldn’t you prefer not knowing the truth, than hate the person who tells you the truth? Would you prefer your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife tell you he/she cheated on you? Or would you for the sake of the relationship not know at all?

My one perfect example is Jesus Christ, dude told the truth all His life, even when His life depended on it and what did He get for it? Public humiliation, mockery from kids, men and women, the screaming crowd spitting cursing and stoning (can imagine His reaction when they die and get to the Gate: payback’s a B***H) and finally one of the worst possible ways to be killed, He was nailed and hung from a cross to bleed to death, all these because of the truth. Don’t tell me, I know; the end result supersedes everything but to go through the torment all because of the truth? HELL FREAKING NO! Good thing His reward for that was worth the price He paid.

It doesn’t always have a direct effect though. What happens when spouses cheat and they own up, all because of some bright light they saw? They open their big mouth and tell the truth; end result they split, leaving the kids to suffer all because daddy or mummy couldn’t shut up until they turned 18. If that ever was me, I’ll burn whoever is at faults throat with hot boiling tar. Maybe the parents found peace in the separation setting them free, but the destruction of the truth is borne by the poor kids left in bondage and despair. It’s just like having parents with AS blood group giving birth to a Sickle cell kid. Poor kid is left to leave out his life suffering. Don’t be surprised if the girl sleeps around just because she’s searching for her father or the guy just never knows how to treat a woman. Tell the truth my a**.

Do you know how many lives you’ll be saving by shutting up? Do yourself a favor when you want to go all holy and righteous; when you want to open your trap and spill the beans, when you want to put up your skeletons out for exhibition, or when your bloody conscience tells you to be the bigger person: take a freaking minute and ask yourself “how and who would my telling the truth affect?”. I mean, you think by telling the person you’d be redeemed of the wrong doing? A brother going to tell his other brother he slept with his wife, an employee confessing to misuse of company funds, a kid owning up to breaking a neighbors’ windscreen, owning up to violation of traffic laws; do you really think they’d be redeemed for their wrong doing and be given a medal for honesty and for being truthful?

I know men are born liars, but I feel it’s based on my theory of “why get into so much drama and trouble when one harmless lie can solve the whole problem. They, and by “they” I mean we men, we might not always analyze the end result of the lie, but we still believe the lie would sell more than the truth. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t support all lies men tell especially when it has to do with innocent emotions but if you’re going to lie, you best be good at it. Like everything in life, there’s a rule governing everything, same goes for lies. Don’t go ahead lying if you’re not good at it, or if you haven’t covered all the bases. Here’s a little guide line if you’re going to lie:

Rule 1: Don’t start what you can’t finish. Be prepared to see the lie to the end, don’t tell a lie and after a while you come out clean and say the truth. Why start in the first place? Sissy!

Rule 2: Before you lie, make sure it’s worth the trouble of lying. A lot of brain power goes into lying, which means you’d be wasting valuable time on a lie if it’s worthless.

Rule 3: Remember, all lies need a backup and most times a follow up lie, meaning you have to cover all possible options of questions that may be asked. A true artist spells the lie out in one sentence avoiding questions. Keep it plain and simple.

Rule 4: Every lie needs to be verifiable, so if you going to involve someone in lie make sure the person knows. If you’re going to use a place or thing, make sure you have accurate details of the place or thing and time. Better still, always and I mean always incorporate a bit of the truth into a lie. A lie sells best when you have a bit of reality attached to it. This leads to the final rule.

Rule 5: Once you decide to lie you have an obligation never to forget that lie, because you need to sell it and convince the other party, even after the dust might have settled. Lies always have a way of resurfacing, and anything different from what was said sends everything crumbling. That’s why a bit of the truth added to a lie would serve as a reminder so you never forget.

I’d say this again, I don’t support lies, but I feel it could go a long way in making some of our problems less worrisome and saves a lot of grief. What truth you don’t know wouldn’t kill you. So feel free to lie so long as you know you’re good at it and the lie is beyond reasonable doubt. If and when you’re caught lying please don’t quote me, because I’d lie my a** off denying any knowledge of ever writing this.

Ibadan's White and Blue

Ibadan, oldest city down this side of Nigeria, the one state believed to still spend coins, having the largest land spread of red zinc roofs, a social life that shuts down by 8pm, a sanitation that has finally improved and finally the all famous “it was white and blue” buses. Now that my friends is the 8th wonder of the world, the holy grail of road transport in Nigeria. If you were looking for Charon the ferry man for Hades, an Ibadan bus would do just fine i.e. once you’re in it; it’s safe to say you have a death wish, better yet, signing your own death sentence. I choose to believe praying in buses before travelling originated from commuters in Ibadan buses, one look at the outside and then the inside, fills your mouth with bile, and the only resolve you have is to turn spiritual because that’s your saving grace, your judge, advocate and jury. I for one have reasons to spit this evil dangerous motorized scrap metal on wheels, two incidents, with the latter still fresh on my memory have transpired, the first happened eight years ago.

 I stepped into a bus heading for work, sat at the back; would you believe the driver used cow rope to tie the rear end side of the bus to the boot; meaning if he untied the rope the whole back would come off, I looked down and saw a big hole in the floor, I was literally staring at the axial of the bus with oil spilling out. The man beside me reading my mind shook his head and made a comment to the driver in Yoruba in a tone that sounded like he was mocking the driver. Next thing I heard was a loud bang, the bus lost control, I looked down to see the axial had broken, so also did the rear wheels which sent the bus door flying off like some action movie. Immediately this happened everyone started screaming “blood of Jesus” and saying last prayers (like the first one they said before entering was not enough).

 Now under these circumstances, you would think I’d join in and say a few words too, but noooo, I was looking around and sipping in people’s reactions. One really caught my eye, after the bus door fell off, the lady sitting by the door probably had an epiphany; “why stay and wait for the bus to collide with another bus when the door is wide open jumping would be a really good idea” and so she jumped out of a moving bus going at about 80km/hr downhill I couldn’t help but turn around to watch this woman rolling down the hot coal tar road. Luckily for us and her I might add no vehicle was ahead of us nor behind so she was not run over. In the end only Lucy Liu who jumped out of a moving bus got hurt. It’s only in Ibadan buses that you see drivers using a 5 litre gallon as fuel tank, where the exhaust shares a spot with you in the back seat. Long before Renault, Honda, or even Ford thought about push to start cars, they already had invented the door bell push to start means of starting cars. The inside is like staring at a skinned human beings’ skeletal structure, all you see is decaying rusty scrap metal that has some funny blended smell of dried blood, goat, tomatoes and damp clothes. Some even have artificial sunscreen roof; you’d hate yourself if it were to rain and you where caught inside, you’d rather the rain drenched you than the annoying continuous dripping water that keeps tapping your head and probably staining your dress from the washed up rust. A friend of mind once joked that the holes you find in the floor of the buses were wide enough for drivers to stick their legs through and use as an emergency brake, I like to believe it’s possible.

It’s only in Ibadan buses seat belts are deem hazardous, they don’t recoil back into their compartments. So if an accident should happen you stand a chance of being strangled by the rope, well that is if the exhaust doesn’t kill you first. A guy was involved in an accident and was rushed to the hospital. On getting to a hospital he died, after an autopsy cause of death was not from accident complications but from carbon poisoning, was later confirmed that the buses that rushed him to the hospital had its exhaust pipe at the back seat.

 I still don’t think I’ve ever seen bus with a complete dash board, or with an odometer or a complete set of windows, it’s usually a mixture of glass, plastic and nylon. Most windows are either permanently up or down because they all don’t have a winder. Some bus door locks come with bolts to secure them or a bent metal rod, and in most cases its only the driver or conductor that can shut and open the doors unless you have years of experience with the pull lift and slam mechanism. The window wipers look like a starved Somalian, no wiper just the metal. During most heavy rains the driver parks and waits for the rain to cool off, or attaches a rag to the wiper handle to serve as a wiper. The seats are natural recliners because they are not fastened to the floor, take my advice do not wear a bright colour outfit into an Ibadan bus, Hypo would not do the trick for you trust me.

  My second experience in an Ibadan bus happened October 8th 2012, I was travelling from Ibadan to Lagos, and the bus was speeding as if the driver’s girlfriend told him her parents just left the house for a bit so he should hurry over. 30 minutes into the journey the bus drops down like it had been amputated. The driver lost control and bus went somersaulting for about 5 to 6 times. I tell you this; it was really really extremely scary. Action movies accident scenes with the passenger screaming are the only way I can describe it. People turned spiritual, so did I. I didn’t have any Lucy Liu to look out for because I had my life flashing in front of my eyes, and not the life I had lived but the life I’d be missing if I ended 6 feet under. As quick as it started, it ended. The bus skid to a halt at the side of the road upside down and with all the adrenaline pumping in my veins I jumped out from the side, not wanting the car to go kaboom. I started running, then suddenly remembering my blackberry and laptop I ran back (yeah yeah, I did it). In the end, bus did not explode. How the crowd gathered and from where I don’t know. I came out with only a finger wound; five people were seriously hurt, including some chick I was eyeing. What happened to the driver you might ask? Disappeared, without a trace; no one saw the dude. Now to what caused the accident, the freak used a rope to tie the propeller (that long rod under the car that holds the front and back wheels). Who does that? ONLY IBADAN'S WHITE AND BLUE

My 2012 Resolution

Its 2:00a.m in the morning, the date is the 1st of January 2012, I look at the bottom right corner of my laptop just to make sure it also registered as well. I just got home not too long ago from church, finished all the screaming and praying, sweating and dancing, hugging and greeting, wishing everyone including those I don’t know a happy new year. Everyone is thankful for the chance to experience yet another year, even though some where scared (okay maybe majorly me) because of the BH bomb treat, we still wore smiling faces to mask a blend of our joy and fear. Sounds of knock out fill the air, security men chasing boys throwing them causing an early morning comic relief.
Its amazing how one second can make a total difference, how one second can unite the whole world even though we’re on different time zones, we all share one common greeting; “happy new year”. (Still waiting for when we’ll embrace the American culture of kissing someone or anyone at the stroke of midnight).
For that brief moment all our worries are gone, life feels like its giving you a second chance, the last one second and the other 31535999 seconds that came before it, just don’t seem to matter, what matters now is the next 31536000seconds, next 525600mins, next 8760hours, 365days, 52weeks, 12months, the next 1year. Our mental clock starts ticking.
We are quick to make resolution, quick to try and kill off old habits, we make promises we hope and pray to keep. Some people see it as an opportunity to change/turn their whole life around.
Really! You think one second has the power to reverse a whole previous millions of seconds! It could try, but trust me, it’s only for the moment, and it’s only till the greeting “happy new year” runs dry. It may take a day, may take two, may even take weeks to try and live up to the resolution, but in time, we all fall. Fall to the demands of life; fall to the demands of our own greed, and selfish nature, fall to the will of our old habits. In truth, “old habits die hard”.
So why bother resolve when in the end you’ll just feel the fool, why make a promise you wont keep? Just like making babies, it takes 5mins to make one, but a life time to train it. It takes simple words to make a resolution but takes discipline, dedication, and hard work to live up to them. The one resolve I can advice to resolute is to resolve not to have a resolution. You want to make a change in life, don’t wait for the final second to start making that change, start when u know you mean it, start when you believe you can live up to it, start not because it has to be symbolic, like a new year change, but do it because you know in your heart of hearts it’s the right thing, and make sure you have help, cause on your own, you’re helpless, but with the help (man or God) you stand a chance.
I’m not saying New Year resolutions are bad, I’m just saying you’ll be back next year making the same resolution you did this year.
Happy New Year people

letter to santa

December 24th 2011,
Dear Santa,
It’s the eve of Christmas, the air is filled up with the joy and excitement, the smell of gun powder from knockouts is fused with the dusty smell of the dry season, families Christmas lights and music over shadowed by the blaring sound of generators, giving bliss and harmony only to surrounding keen ears. Sisters, mothers, aunties all in the kitchen prepping the food for the day to come, kids are excited for a chance to exceed the usual bed time deadline, taking the opportunity to brag about their expected Christmas gift. Fathers, men, older brother, uncles surround tables of snacks to nibble, washed down with drinks of preference, sharing talks and tales of the year past, while some are fixated on the television. Without a doubt the knowledge of the coming day, the reason and expectation is in the air and lingering behind everyone’s mind. Some thinking about the stress of making it fun from the kitchen, some about the strain it puts on their pockets just to see that smile on the faces of loved ones, and some without a care in the world, just waiting for the combination of the joy of the day.
But for some folks, they take that time to reflect on their present situation and compare to this same time last year, which is exactly what I’m doing right about now; writing your white fake *beep*. Last year was the end of me believing in you, this year I’ve taken things into my own hand, definitely not going to write you a list of what I want, cause its been proven that you’re the worst(and still the best) fraudster ever. Selling fake dreams to kids, telling them u leave in the North Pole, sliding down chimneys with you oversized tummy, talking about flying reindeers pulling sledges. Really!!! Don’t buy that story anymore. What I do believe in are the people around me that show me love, and are there for you when you want and need them.
People who are going to wake up tomorrow, enter the kitchen selflessly and prepare me roasted chicken with mushroom and herb stuffing, dipped in wine sauce to go with the all famous fried rice and barbeque sauces, green vegetable salad, and grilled pork chops. An aunty who has already delivered a self baked 3layer chocolate, strawberry and vanilla cake going down with creamy ice cream, there’s also minced pie or Christmas pudding just in case. Try sending that down my chimney you big fat *beep*.
You think you’re the only one who gives gifts? Well I have news for you; I’ve got my own personal Santa – ME! I got me a puppy for Christmas, friends suggested I name him after you, I said “not even if it was the last name in the world and my life depended on it”, my wardrobe is taking a new turn thanks to some lovely people, and for once I really didn’t bother to want anything for Christmas, and guess what? Its paying off because every gift I’ve gotten and would get would truly be appreciated.
You’ve taught me Christmas doesn’t evolve around red, white and green; it revolves around those you love and love you back, forming a chain and bond that ties us through till the next season. My point is we don’t really need you after all, you just a sick old psycho that feed on hopes and dreams. I also really do hope you took my advice from my last letter.
But just in case you do have a change of heart, you know where I leave. I’m not asking for anything, just surprise me, but just for tips a bold 5 or iphone 4OS would be lovely. Merry Christmas

Dear Santa 2......................AGAIN

Dear Santa,
Really don’t know why I bothered, really don’t, but I’m still pushed to write to you again. It wont feel right if I didn’t thank you, thank you for leaving up to my expectations of you, thank you for confirming my opinion, thank you for nothing, for crushing my expectations, for making me finally realize that you are a fat white potbellied racist. I really thought I stood a good chance of being on you list of people to visit. Even gave out my neighbourhoods secret to hunt out Rudolf, but being the back stabbing prick you are, you skipped my place. But hey, I don’t hold it against you. I really don’t, but so you know you’ve gone down in my book as a fraud and scam artist.
You actually thought you could wreck my Christmas by not showing up, didn’t you? well I’m sorry but my Christmas was still fun with out you stupid presents, I may not have gotten any gift from you, but I still got some from people who believe in me and know I’m worth something. Didn’t get the blackberry, zune, camera, PS3 or even the date, but I still got my new wardrobe and accessories, you hear that…….i got presents from my own personal Santa and they sure ain't white, fat, hairy and over weight. So with all inborn energy I say, YOU LOSE!
In the end I got to realise that Christmas doesn’t circle round you, matter of fact you are what you are because we give you that yard stick, but not anymore for me. For me my Christmas is about being with those that give a rats ass about me, that also believe that the best we can be is when we are together under one roof exchanging laughs, smiles and good times. This I guess would be my new message, and my aim for 2011, …..to put you out of business. Good luck to you trying slide down chimneys, you just might be landing in a snare or be charged for breaking in and entry. See how you’ll survive behind bars, you’ll be turned into someone’s white b***H. As for you reindeers, my target practise just increased. Next season we’ll be having roast deer for supper. You’ll go from HOHOHO to NONONONO.LOL
I’ll definitely have the last laugh and trust me it won’t sound like HOHOHOHOHOHO
Yours Truly
Your biggest fan

WHO AM I

WHO AM I?
When asked, “In one word describe yourself”, one never finds the one perfect word to describe self, not even two. Self description is like a bottomless pit.
Who am I?
A lucid question with infinite definition, judging from the fact that every human is everything including complex, that’s why till today we still study self to figure out why we are and who we are. How then would you be able to describe self when self itself is totally confusing?
Who am I?
Is “I” a creation of self or an accumulation of various factors? Definitely not a creation of self, for self in its true nature is dependent, dependent on others, how then can self be SELF when self never really is SELF but a reflection of probable self. If an accumulation then “I” can’t be defined by self but by the factors that determine “I”. No matter how “I” thinks, “I” is shaped and modeled not by self but life, substance, environment, peers, religion, friends, politics, institutions, states, countries and many more. So how then can I know who I am when I evolve with every given factor. If change is the only constant then “I” is a variable, if “I” can’t be an island, then “I” is a cosmopolitan city, “I” in its true nature is complex, irrational, unstable, unpredictable and above all confused. For what “I” is today wouldn’t be the same the next day. “I” hates rock today, tomorrow “I” is rocking Avril Lavigne, “I” prefers tall, slim dark and cute/handsome next day “I” is with average, fair, plus size and cute. “I” doesn’t like fish, next night “I” is in line at point-and-kill with cute/handsome, average and plus size. Movies are boring; over the weekend “I” is at the cinema. What is the big deal about the BB? Next month “I” has a numb finger from pinging. And it goes on.” I”, an insatiable evolving being with no defined face, moulded by its past, only sure of the present and elusive of the future. How then can I base my definition when the outcome of my tomorrow is unknown?
Who am I?
I am not what I am but what you make me to be, not by the totality of my choice but by the chances and circumstances that come my way, by the integration of different and other “I”s. I am only what I am by choice, choices made from what is given, which I have no control over, Thank God for choice. My true definition comes only with the present and similar circumstances, after which a pattern could be deduced but doesn’t mean irrational changes can’t be made when different variables create same situation. Example: “ I”, doesn’t cheat, but what happens when “I” is in a tight spot and passing means cheating? Would I still be “I”, or would I evolve to be a different “I”? Its clear and obvious that the characterizing factor determining “I” are the choice “I” makes, be it good or bad, wrong or right, slow or fast, positive or negative.
Who am I?
I could be one that makes the right choices, I could be one that makes wrong choices, or I could be the one that mixes both right and wrong choices to create a distinct “I”. Choices that make “I” feel in control and responsible, but in reality “I” is never in control, if it was, words like fate and destiny would be alien to the dictionary, but words like satisfaction, regret, fulfillment that gives “I” hope of control and responsibility. If “I”, a one word could be so complicated, what happens when “I” progresses to ME, WE, YOU, THEM, OTHERS and eventually EVERYBODY. I guess we could only find out if WE understand “I”, then WE can move on to YOU, OTHERS and eventually EVERYBODY…..God help WE.

In one word “WHO AM I?” COMPLEX

My Birthday

Its almost 4.00pm as I pull close to my house, I know this because the beautiful voice on radio just announced that immediately after One Republic’s Secrets the 4 O’clock news would be read. I really wasn’t feeling happy, to think about it, really couldn’t remember why I was feeling grumpy, one thing I do remember was the date, the date was 14th January, my birthday. So far all I know is the time, date and how I felt, not a good way and time to be feeling the way I felt.

I get to my gate, hoot me horn and wait for my sister to open, two minutes passed before I remembered my sister was off at school. Damn! With my foul mood I descend and let my self in, dogs wagging its tail awaiting the usual ruffle greeting, but my mood’s a killer the poor things’ senses pick it up, its tail shrivel between it hind legs. Mum’s cars parked, why didn’t she come help me with the gate? Didn’t really care, I let myself in, walked into my room, stripped to my boxers, got me a bottle of water and walked into the sitting room………………….SURPRISE!!!!!!! I almost wet my pants, actually I did, I spilled the bottle of water on me and down to my pants.

What I saw was beyond my wildest imagination, my mum, brother, sisters, couple of friends and even my dream girlfriend all in front of me surprising me with a birthday party. Like a quick flash back in movies, I had a quick flood of emotions, from grumpy, to shock, rush of embarrassment and finally an elation of joy, happiness and love. They threw me a birthday party and I was surrounded by people close to me. There was food drinks. Music and then there was cake. My mum came in with a candle lit cake that lit up the whole room and was singing the all famous happy birthday song. For some reason everyone’s lips where moving but I could only hear my mum’s voice, then in the middle of the song she asked “are you still sleeping?” Odd! Why would she ask that when I was standing right in front of her. Her next move shocked me; she freed her right hand and tapped me on the shoulder saying “wake up, birthday boy wake up”. I soon realized why everything was too good to be true, I was asleep, I finally woke up. The birthday song was real, my mum was singing it, the candle light also was real, but it sat on a candle stand not on a cake. It was 6.30am, 14th January and PHCN was holding power.

The time is 6.35am and the date is 14th January. Today is my birthday, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today. What was, was all just a dream, its 6.35am I’m psychic because today’s the one day my phone would actually ring more than twice. Text messages would pour in, my facebook page would be a side attraction. I might be home alone with my mum but nothing stops my dream from coming true. I have breakfast and head out; unconsciously I’m dressed the same way I was in my dream, cant call that coincidence, more like me walking in the direction of my dream becoming a reality. Like expected my facebook page’s bleeding out wishes, my phones constantly ringing, some friends are kept on call waiting, I even got a message from my pastors. Time check now is 3.30pm and still I’m all smiles. Seen a couple of friends, had a couple of drinks, still don’t see why my mood would turn grumpy. 3.45pm I stop to buy a bottle of wine, I select a bottle head for the counter to pay; that would be N700 the cute cashier said. That’s when it turned south, I couldn’t find my wallet. Damn it! I think I left it at the bar. There goes my ATM, drivers’ license, cash. I called my guys but none of them had seen it. Feeling all grumpy and mad I drive home. Then I hear a familiar voice on the radio saying something about the news at 4.00pm. That’s when it hit me, I’ve been waiting for my sister to come open the gate but she wasn’t home, she was back in school. It hit me immediately that this was me leaving my déjà vu. My dream was coming true. Grumpy mood – check! Voice on the radio – check! Waiting at the gate – check! Alright man. Try not to jinx this, stay grumpy, but I couldn’t. I drove into the compound, mum’s car packed - double check! Dog wagging tail waiting for usual greeting – triple check. I couldn’t believe my streak of faith. With all composure I let myself into the house didn’t bother changing, headed straight for the sitting room, calculating how surprised I should be, I entered and BAM! I was greeted by an empty house, No surprise, no brother, sisters, mum friends or even my dream girlfriend. Just like in the dream, I had a quick flood of emotions, but different, my excitement turned to shock, then disappointment and finally sadness. Dreams, that’s what it was all, mare dreams. So I picked my sulking self, went to my room and slept.

The time is 6.30pm and I hear my mum singing the birthday anthem, I see a candle light coming close to my bed………not again, not another dream? Wake up son, come make a wish. I open my eyes only to see the candles sitting on a cake, my mum alone, with a wine in hand. This was no dream; my mum got me a cake and gave me my wallet. Told me a friend dropped it off while I was sleeping, apparently I left it in his room when I dropped him off and picked up his MI2 CD. My lips with quick reflex carve out a big clown smile, this wasn’t my dream exactly, but it just had to do. I did get my surprise and my cake, with a card addressed from my brother, sisters and friends….no dream girlfriends.

We sat down at the candle lit dining table sipping wine and nibbling on cake and Tobleron, with MI2 playing “nobody” at the background. I’m all smiles, it couldn’t have ended any better, or so I thought.

My phone rings,

Unknown number;

“Happy birthday dear” the voice said;

HORSE S**T!!!!

It was my dream girlfriend.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

DEAR SANTA

Dear Santa,
It’s funny how it’s only this time of the year you become relevant, I mean, I never ever think of you through out the whole year. Maybe it because for some reasons in the last 10 years I haven’t gotten a gift from you, now why is that?
You definitely can’t say I haven’t been good these past years. Or is it because we moved and no longer live on the top floor, and our house doesn’t have a chimney?
How do you ever fit into chimneys with your excess fat and sagging stomach, haven’t you heard of something called a gym? I mean you go around carrying your big fat belly around encouraging fathers that it looks cool. I guess you also drink too much beer that’s why, so which is your brand? Star, 33, Gulder? naa you look like a Heineken man. Do me a favour, go hit the gym and while you’re at it, stop at the barbers place. They just might mistake you for a terrorist climbing people’s roofs.

I left the doors open last year hoping you’ll think it wise not to pass my house by since I don’t have a chimney, but I guess the excess fat’s getting your brains clogged. (No offence).
Or could it be because the last time you landed Rudolf and the other reindeers (never figured out their names) on the roof, my neighbours saw it as an opportunity for free Christmas game kill and tried out their stoning practise on the deers hoping for free meat? Poor Rudolf! One would think that by now you’d have caught up with the 21st century and bought yourself a cool set of wheels and quit messing up peoples roofing sheets, you do realise people in Nigeria/Ibadan use zinc, which really is noisy so when you land, you wake the whole neighbourhood, which gives up your position and once again you become target practise.

Rumour has it that traps have been set for you on roofs and instead of stones like the last time, security men have been equipped with hunting rifles, its tagged “operation shoot to kill”, and who ever gets to kill or trap Rudolf gets his red nose and head.
So I advice you tried wheels, don’t go for low cars, try the SUV’s or sienna, they have enough room for you and the gifts, hey I could even hook you up with a good deal. If you’re game you know how to find me.

Speaking of gifts, you really do owe me all these lost years and have to make up, also I’m going out here risking my neck by telling you the plans they have for your deer and saving your red behind so you really need to step up and show me some attic love.
My list it really isn’t much just the basic,
1st of all I need a bb, not blue band I mean a black berry, sick of chicks asking me for a pin, running out of lines to tell them. BB bold 9700
2. An Ipad Wi-Fi 16GB tablet
3. Zune
4. Skate board…….i don’t know how too, but would be cool to carry one in my back pack.
5. Nikon D5000 digital camera
6. TAG Heuer or a Casio G- shock
7. PS 3 and make sure it comes with Call of Duty: Black Ops game
8. A date with Kim kardashian or Nicki Minaj
9. A new wardrobe, with all the basics and essentials
Finally my last gift is for you…..buy a clipper for me but you can keep it, you need it more than I do. And make sure you use it; you need a serious total make over, probably should try a Mohawk or weave. Don’t you watch E TV or The Style Network TSN? You need to go watch them, start with TSN, watch “How Do I Look”, then get some style tips from E TV. Lose that big fluffy red and white costume you wear and replace it with a suit. Trust me you’ll look more like an entrepreneur/CEO than some weirdo climbing into people’s house to toy with kids. You just might beat Brad Pitt to the father of the year award if you take my advice.

Anyway don’t say I never wrote you this year and didn’t show you love, once again my house would be the only one without a zinc roof and with the generator on, not expecting PHCN to be nice that day. Would put a sign board for you just in case and the spare house key is under the mat. So you don’t have an excuse for miss my house.
Don’t forget, gym, change your wardrobe, wheels, salon, and please quit the way you laugh, kids now know the slang word whore, so when you go HOHOHOHOHO, it sound pretty much like whorewhorewhore…….lol, sorry had to add that, really funny joke I heard.

Merry Christmas Santa, would be on the look out for you on the eve of Christmas.

FIVE FINGERS

    And it was that God created man, and we where seen in His eyes as being created in His own image. An image which we can’t really say what is, for man and woman even though we think we are the same, we are different. You wouldn’t expect me to spell out the difference for you for we all have eyes to spot the difference but yet we are meant to be in His image. Would you now say God is Man or Woman? I guess we would all find out at the end. My guess is the image we speak of is not the physical, but spiritual.

  The real question is “where we all equally created?” do you feel all man was created equal and given the same opportunities in life? Don’t answer just yet, hear me out before you jump off you horse.

If the answer is yes, why do we have Man and Woman? What would you say about those born with silver/platinum spoons compared to those with no spoon at all? People with no history of bad health and those whose best vacation are when they leave their hospital beds to visit neighbouring patients? Those who see drinking soft drinks as a luxury and best form of relaxing and those who’s sense of relaxing starts with crossing oceans and boarders. Or people who only sweat when working out and those who cherish the standing fans in their living rooms? People whose lives have a mapped out blue print with prospects and those who don’t even know what will be of them in the next hour? People who dare not have a bank account because saving for them is not in their dictionary and people whose money make up the bank funds or need more than a bank to hold their assets? You see the list could go on and on, in the end you realize not all fingers are equal. Would you tell a child born in the slumps of Sudan that he’s equal to the child born in the swamps of Warri? One has more privileges than the other, so how then would you say they be equal? Why do you have beggars begging you on the streets?

  Two close friends graduate from the same department same year with same grades, but one gets a job immediately after while the other waits years before he ends up giving in to fate, why? Because the latter comes from a well stocked family and the other’s family struggled even to send him to school. Now one’s a CEO the other driving buses for a living. How equal would you call that.

  If you feel man to be equal, why are you guilty of one time wishing you where born in another country or even to another family, wish you where white, or adopted by Brad and Angelina? Why there are sins called envy, jealousy and contempt? Isn’t inequality the root of these sins? Why is money the root of all evil if it’s not because the Have not try to have and the Haves try to have more? 

   I’ll tell you words that wouldn’t be if we where equal, words like opportunity, chance, luck, winner, loser, rich, poor etc.

Not matter what we feel, in the real sense of it we all are not equal, the inequality is what creates the balance, it’s what makes the whole essence of life meaningful, none of your fingers are equal, and even with the variance in height they all have their specific functions and together they make up the hand which on then becomes a meaningful appendage. There’s more to buff my reasons which I’ll explain but not now, definitely in the part two of these, but I’ll love to know your own notion. Do you think you’re equal to the next man beside you? If you where to compare yourself to the five fingers, which one would you be?

SKUNKLOVE

Was watching a movie, titled "HITCH"....yeah i know a lot of y'all seen it.so apart from the scary look face Big will had because of his allergies, and Eva Mendes killer body, what also caught me was a line....."no lady wakes up in the morning with out the thought of wanting to be swept of her feet,all the guy needs is the right broom"....well he didn't say it exactly like that but ,still you get the gist.

So because of this i thought hey, maybe i should look for the right broom,...sorry bulldozer and sweep this chick i have had an eye on for quite sometime,....so i did.

Did my push ups,had my bath, sprayed half my Ange Ou Le Demon perfume by Givenchy...............OKAY!!!!, my mum's perfume doesn't mean i don't have a classy one.so you know i use one of the CK editions.....anyway back to the story.i put on my T.M, Pierre Cardin, locked up with a pair of P.S............i was out to kill,oh b4 i forget ,i topped it up with my nerd shades.

So here i was ready for my kill, knowing so well that i wasn't only going to sweep her off,i was going to seal the deal.

She takes an early bus to work so i woke up early to catch up with her.........my plan was to sit with her and from there start dropping my lines, making her go ooohhh and wowwwwww and awwwwww.(you know how i roll)...but some idiot guy just beats me to the sit so tough lock i had to sit behind.plan A failed ...next stop plan B.....as you can already see or realize, am jobless...BUT..please take into consideration my relentless energy and desperation.

Plan B was to follow her to work which i did, she works in one of those tall buildings that need an elevator,so here i was chasing her hoping i could catch her in it .............long story short,my hands aching from typing.....i caught up with her as she was closing the lift...and i shouted in the best accent i could master...hold it please.........that was my first mistake,i wish she didn't hold it because when i go in to the lift and the door closed my smiles turned to frown, then tears.........some awful smell, a blend off rotten eggs, sour beans and fish hit me,(more like skunk gas)....i ended up being the one swept off his feet....she didn't hold it, the chick had farted.CRAP....i tried looking at a her and she was all acting, like she didn't do nothing.searching for a phone that wasn't ringing.....good thing i also spray my hanky so it saved me.

still not being dithered by my mission, i decided to go ahead,i said hi, nice shoes....she faced me, open her mouth said something....but too late the garlic breathe knocked me out.....woke up in the receptions' corner and they told me i passed out,they found me lying in the lift....stupid chick,after nearly killing me, best she could have done was call for help.............

MAKING A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL

WARNING: THIS NOTE IS CONTENT SENSITIVE, IF YOU HAVE STRONG RELIGIOUS BELIEVE PLS REFRAIN FROM READING THIS. ALSO DO NOT JUDGE ME BASED BY THIS.......LOL, like i care hahaha

They say an idle mind is the devils work shop, true words, meaning unless you want the devil to get made and paid using you mind, try not to be idle. BUT if you insist on being idle, why don’t you get a better deal outta this union or should i say business....let me deviate here......

All through history the one thing that is constant is change, a lot has changed since creation, examples
Then it was telegrams, now we have FACEBOOK
Then it was cart on wheels dragged by men, now its automobile driven by man
Then it was communication via smoke/bow & arrow, birds (the bird thing’s cool) now we have mobile phones
VCR now BLUE RAY
MACKINTOSH now I PADS
Hand wound projector TV, now PLASMA, LCD, HD ......so you get my gist...back to the topic

Since everything evolves, why not evolve in the types of sin committed. Get a better deal from the devil, I mean, picture yourself in hell and everyone is bragging about what got them to the joint.

1st guy.......I killed 5 men with out spilling their blood

2nd guy.......I robbed a multinational company from my bathroom

1st chick........I had over 20condos scattered around the world and didnt pay for one. all thanks to my dead husbands/muguS

3rd guy…….i stole over a billion dollars from my country and was rewarded by being made president.

THEN YOU............am here because i pictured sleep with a guy/girl in my head.......lol, seriously the torture wont be the place you're in, it'll be from the thought of "had i know i would have done worse".....

SO WHY SETTLE FOR LESS? UP GRADE YOUR SINS

EXAMPLES

I'll start with the most common of all........SEX...fornication, adultery, paedophilia, masochism, cougars, prostitution...etc

Why kill yourself dreaming of IT? when you can pay a hooker....down side, STD, AIDS

Why be a hooker and stand on the road side at night, when the chances of clientele is slim, rape- high, when you can be a runs girl with 36 boy friends in the 36 states and play them mugu.

Why cheat on your girl friend with girls in the same state, when you can have a girlfriend in every state.

Why sleep with the house girl/Gardner (that’s so old school) with a high chance of knocking her/yourself up, getting cut and thrown out? Seriously what do you think your friends will say when you tell them your story, you’ll be tagged a fool. Try going to bars, clubs, beaches, universities, you’ll always find a girl to play mugu with or a boy toy, and if cut, for the guy you can always marry a second wife, for the lady,………….GO FIGURE

A lot of people do obscene things all for the sake of getting rich…seriously things people settle for is crazy, EXAMPLES

Is it that people don’t watch hollywood to know that the era of robbing banks with guns blazing is so 19th century? You go guns blazing, downside, you waste bullets, time, and might not even get into the bank because of the security, and even though you do, you leave (if you survive the shot out) with less than enough, then you give your loot to the boss who after he takes his share leave you with enough to by beer, isi ewu, and hookers for just a week then you’re back to square one.

Here’s a hint, every banks gone upgrade, technology, security, transport. So what’s stopping your own upgrade? Think internet robbery, high tech break in. That way you make serious hits less time spent, more money made and definitely less or no bullets.

Speaking of internet lets talk internet fraud AKA yahoo yahoo: if you still think people are still naive about it, you’re either stupid or just being stupidly stupid. The whole world has cut up with the whole oil well story or long lost uncle crap, what you need is to go upgrade, YAHOO ++, that way you have the devil backing you. Pity, you won’t live to tell your story.
Or you go and try out blood money and your chicken picks only 2 corn seeds, giving you just two years to leave, i can imagine the devil laughing his a** off, but seriously instead of that try kidnapping, it's risk free, highly profitable and is exactly like fishing, if you catch blows, you can always recast your net. trust me there's are plenty senators and ministers children out for grabbing.


But honestly why waste so much time on the computer hoping and praying to catch a maga and hammer, when you can just be a politician and hammer seriously?

Now we’re on the note of politicians I don’t get this, you want to be a rich and corrupt politician and you go and join AP,PPA or ANPP, you’re seriously daft. Haven’t you heard of PDP? Trust me, if you get you’re foot in, all you aspirations will be met, including VIP gate pass to HELL.

There plenty more upgrades of sins you could chose from, this are just the few I could dig into, but if you really want to go make the devil your inspiration then you should aspire to think outside the box, don’t let the devil eat his cake and have it, be a Nigerian and beat him at his game, upgrade you sins.

Once again this is not in anyway a go ahead, cause on judgment day when God asks you, if you say, Ikenna said, OYO LO WA. Am just telling those that have set their mind on damnation to make the best of there time. in the end if you know you want to sin and go to hell, make the best of it and think big.

My final advice: REPENT

FEBRUARY 14

A lot of people have personal days and dates of memory, could be 20th January, 30th February, 11th September, 1st October, 31st October, 23rd November or even the famous 25th December. It could be a birthday, wedding, holiday, day you found out you where positive, or escaped death, day you hammered, day your heart was broken, your first car, national disaster, or the day you die. Whoever you are, you have dates you never forget, dates which when they reoccur you either celebrate or mourn.
And so it is, I have one of this dates, one out of all the 366 dates possible in a human calendar, this date made me where I am today, this date changed my life forever, the date’s February 14………valentine’s day.
The time was 5.59am, and I was already awake but not out of bed, was waiting anxiously for the alarm to go off. It had become a routine never to get out of bed until I heard her voice on the alarm say “it’s time to get up honey, you don’t want to be late do you?”, the voice of the one I had planned today specially for. So I lay in bed waiting even though I had been awake for the past 45 mins.
6.00am and it went off, my goodness, that voice, it really was worth waiting for and waking up too. But soon it’ll be it would be more than just the voice I’d be waking up to, but her presence, touch and gentle sound of her breathing next to me, soon she was going to be my bride. I had picked today as the perfect day to pop the question. She couldn’t have my child without having my name.
The elation shot through me, I was to be a father and a husband…..soon.
So I jumped out of bed, did my usual 100 push ups, sit ups, had a bath, coffee glanced through the papers, finally time check was 7.30, she should be ready by now, ready to go to work. Good thing she was on duty this Saturday, that way I could make my plans with out expecting any intrusion.
Hey babe, good morning. Happy Valentines Day
You too hon, just about heading out for work
You don’t sound ok, what’s up?
The thought of going to work today is killing, wish I where with you
Awh! Don’t worry babe, you’ll be through by 6pm then we’ll have the evening and night. How’s my baby?
Which one, she laughs
The small tiny one
How would I know, doesn’t even feel like I’m carry anything yet, only been 2 months
Aight then, have fun, would miss you loads
You to hon.
And she was gone. Now I had to get everything set.
First of all send flowers to her office then, pink roses and tulips, her favourite coupled with truffels. That should keep her busy till we see.
Had to get to Cartier to pick up the ring, had to have it custom made to her taste.
Then the market, couldn’t believe I was actually going to cook, not that I couldn’t, just that I was going to out do my self today. Pasta, fish fillets, pork chops, grilled steak, garden salad, barbequed chicken, spiced potatoes, fro the wine it has to be a 1943 Coteaux de Layon, thought champagne but she wasn’t really a fan, but still a Moët would do perfectly for a night cap.
Time check now was 11.23am, right on schedule. What was left was the florist to pick up more flowers for my place, and then hit the mall for some scented candles; lavender and strawberries would be perfect.
Damn I had almost forgot to pick up dessert, so I picked up strawberries, ice-cream, fruit cake and whip cream for the after party. Oh man I had a wicked grin on my face, the thought alone put me in frenzy.
Got home by about 1.30pm, good timing I could get every thing ready before I went to pick her up.
Immediately I remembered we hadn’t yet finalised the plans and hadn’t found out if she had received my flowers and chocolate.
Why hadn’t she called? the delivery guys promised to deliver within the hour, that was like since 10 in the morning.
“The number you’re trying to call is not reachable right now Pl…….” that was her number; I tried again and still heard the not so sexy voice telling me the same message.
Oh well probably she’s busy, would call her later.
Called my best friend to let him know of my plans, his phone also was not available,
Really! This network couldn’t pick a better day to mess things up
Straight up I went to the kitchen to get started, I know I’m a hell of a cook but thank God for oven cooked meals, putting on my apron I went to work, started with seasoning the chicken then left it to marinate, put the pork chops in the oven. Everything took more time than I had anticipated but by 4.40 I was through
Went ached to set the table, lit the candles, made sure the cd was in the player, rose petals in the bath tub, checked for the ring again. After everything I look around, B.E.A.U.tiful was all I could think, “You’ve out don’t yourself my friend” I heard my self say. Quickly I went to get my camera, this was something our kids had to see, I spotted her Val gift, a matching Tiffany necklace and bangle, 5 carat gold with diamond studs, I really was out doing myself, but could I help it? I was crazy in love.
Nothing could mess the night up, or so I thought, it started going wrong right about 5.20pm,
I knew this because I was taking pictures of the whole setting, that’s when I realised something was missing, I left my carving knife at her place, Damn! Had to rush over to her place, good thing I had a key.
I called again but her phone was still not available, bloody network.
I had to make a quick decision,
Okay, I first rush over to her place, pick up the knife, then head over to hospital and pick her up.
Next wrong thing was the car, in all the whole rush I forgot to buy gas, it stopped almost as I was getting to her place. Good thing I was almost there, I could walk it
Was still picturing the night in my head when I got to her place,
Her car was parked in the garage, so! She was back from work, time check was 6.10pm,
From here I wish I made different choices, all I wanted to do was surprise her.
So I opened her door with my own key, why did I not knock? AARRRGH!
The whole house was pitch black, but I knew my way around
Normally I usually shout a greeting to know where she, I didn’t.
I fiddled my way round the sitting room pass the kitchen and dining, that’s when I heard it, could hear the sound of one moaning, and a man grunting, was she watching porn? I knew she said she had given it up but hey, anything to get the mood right. So I followed my ears till my eyes caught up with the light from the room, gently opening the door I saw what I had pictured, only this time it was not happening on the TV, it was happening right there on her bed.
What I say could only be seen in hardcore porn, she was been taking from behind…for that reason they couldn’t see me.
I really can say what I was feeling, I what came over me.
The love and elation I felt turned hate and madness.
I walked back the same way I came, to the kitchen, and poured myself a glass of scotch, then two, then another and another until I lost count trying to drown the sound and moaning coming from next door.
Don’t know how long I spent sitting in the dark, but I noticed the sound had seized. I heard the soft laughter I was used to, then her saying she need a drink, and something about calling me.
How could she be like that, after being screwed senseless, she was going to call me……… no sooner than 2 minutes my phone rang,
Do you hear that, she said?
Immediately my phone stopped ringing.
Then again it started,
This time I was walking back to the room, holding my phone and the carving knife I came for,
Oh shit! Get dressed she said, I guess she was too busy dressing she didn’t cut this time,…for some reason I was smiling inside, was happening just like in the movies, pity I couldn’t see her first reaction, but I got to see her reaction when I entered the room.
Em, hey, you didn’t say you’d be coming, why didn’t you cal…. Sorry my battery was dead…..you know this isn’t what it looks like.
She was going to play that card.
I looked at the son of Bitch she was with, only to realise it was my dick head best friends.
You bastard, I charged after him with the carving knife,
I guess he was waiting for that move, because I charged right into a knuckle blow.
Damn! I was counting my teeth,
This fool broke my teeth, with all fury I charged again, this time like an NFL quarter back going for the killer tackle, pulled him down, alone with the mirrors, the table and every thing on it. Up on him I rained punches, the more she was screaming for me to stop, the more it fueled my anger. All I could picture was this fool humping my wife to be, next thing I heard was her scream,
“He’s the father of my child”.
In shock I paused which gave him a chance to knock me over
When where you going to tell me? After I made a fool of myself by proposing to you? I fumbled for the ring in my pocket and threw at her.
“I was going to tell you today, I’m so sorry”
You bitch! I tried standing when I was knocked back down by my best friend.
Please don’t, leave him, she screamed,
But he was always one to show off and never back down, so he came after me, quickly I pick up the knife and swung,
And it hit home, only that something was wrong, right in front of me wasn’t him but her, how did it happen? I later realised that while I was picking up the knife she had jumped between us to stop our madness.
What have you done, had open his mouth to speak.
Call 911 you fool,
My hand all covered in blood; hold her as she began to cough up blood.
Don’t speak, just hang in there,
CALL 911 YOU FOOL! I screamed
I’m so sorry, please forgive me, I don’t know what I was thinking
No, I’m the one that’s sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I really….I really do love you……she coughs up more blood. I’m so sorry. And the lights fade out of her eyes.
My God what had I done? I looked around to see I was alone, next thing I hear sirens and see flashes of blue and red.
Moments later, I hear stomping feet, crashing doors, and then unclear words. I was drowning I oblivion.
LET ME SEE YOU HANDS!
DROP THE WEAPON!
STEP AWAY FROM THE BODY!
LET’S SEE THOSE HANDS!
ON THE FLOOR NOW! NOW! NOW!
So I was pushed to the ground and cuffed, I tried crying out for them to help her, but the words didn’t travel as far as my lips
Every thing else happened so fast, I realized the cops had been called by neighbours from hearing the noise. I was hulled outside into the dark night painted by the red and blue lights then into the black and white and from there on my who life seemed to diminish, my bloody shirt was replace with an orange two piece, my name changed to inmate 2005214, don’t remember the trial, because it didn’t take that long.
What happened to my pork chops, barbequed chicken, pasta, my Moët? My Val gift in the drawer? I guess the candles burned bright and out, the music played with no one to dance to it. Flowers dried up, ice-cream melted out. What happened to my well made home in anticipation of Valentine’s Day? I’ll never know
Its 2010 February 13, and my new cell mate asks,
You got anybody on the outside you would have spent tomorrow with
I rolled my back to him and say,
Wake me up when it’s February 15.

AN OLD MAN’S TALK

Culture and tradition have imbibed in us, respect for our elders, taking heed to their advices and even crowning them “the wise ones”. For with the grey hair comes experience, wisdom and most times sayings that either make you wiser or shows how stupid one is when trying to interpret them. Even in the bible the use of parables and proverbs where foreign to some, which only showed their ignorance.
Most time when we are confronted with an old grey we always pay attention and nod heads in agreement even when we just don’t seem to make sense of what is said. (I feel they do it just so you realise their grey hair). This was the situation I found myself one day, here I was watching TV with an old grey, what was on was about weed (Egbo), he (old grey) then asks, “how do you feel about weed?”.
See me see question; in all honesty I answered: It’s not good for the health.
Old grey: how? Isn’t it used in prescribed drugs?
Me: because it doesn’t make one act right and think straight when taking excessively.
Old grey: how do you mean?
At this point I was stuck, because truth be told, I really didn’t know more than I had heard about it. (E dey make person high) how was I to explain highness?
Old grey: so to you it’s bad because you heard and because people say it’s bad.
Me: yes!
Old grey: so what would you say about people who smoke it and enjoy it and to them it’s good?
Me: emmmmm (scratching head).
Truth is before you can say something’s bad, its best to experience it, and if you see it’s bad for you, then you can say “it’s bad for you”. But don’t make the mistake of going about tell people that enjoy something its bad for them.
At this point, I was confused. I was thinking, killing is bad, does that mean I have to go out and kill before I realise its bad? I guess he was reading my mind, he said, it doesn’t apply when it gets to involve doing it to someone else. My next thought was sex, immediately he says for example, rape. Sex has to be consensual for it to not be bad. But when one party doesn’t give in, it’s bad.
Me: are you saying I can have sex so long as the girl agrees uncle?
Now it was his turn to scratch his old grey hair…lol
Old grey: I’m not talking about morally right or wrong, or ten commandments, talking about things we do to ourselves, example, most people that commit suicide are perceived as doing something wrong, to the suicider it’s good, a means to an end and when they do, they feel good about it, but when they don’t succeed they realise it’s wrong. Same goes for smoking, drinking, and every thing we tag morally wrong personal act. From there he went on to quote different proverbs, one man’s food is another mans poison, when a tree grows across into another mans land, it doesn’t make it the other mans own…(still don’t know how this applies), experience is the best teacher. So my question was, is he advising me to smoke weed? Or just trying to find out if I had smoked weed? I guess he really was saying i should have a personal opinion of decisions i make, experience things before I make an opinion, so does he mean I should try committing suicide and see the effects, good or bad? Or start doing drugs to know the effects so that I won’t come up blank the next time an old grey asks me same questions? I really started feeling dumb, since I really couldn’t understand his point. Not to look stupid I coined my own conclusion; keep your own opinions to yourself when you know you know nothing about something, don’t go forcing your own morals on someone else’s. Smart one right? Lol. Everybody has a reason for their personal actions, and be it bad or good, what draws the line of right or wrong is EXPERIENCE. So yes, experience is the best teacher. If you know you haven’t experienced something, please shut up when the experienced ones are talking. Experienced ones like old greys, let them do the talking and ‘we’ get confused cause we are all devoid of experience, and if you be smart enough you’ll pick up a thing or two, but if ye be stupid, you’ll be left confused like you are right now.

The animal in man

What ever one chooses to believe, every human has an animal(s) within. In most cases you have more than one, probably as many as a hundred. All it takes is the right situations or scenarios and BAM! You start exhibiting your animalistic traits. In the face of fear, some act the chicken they are, some lions, some are slithering snakes, whatever way one chooses to act on any given Sunday, is simply just acting the animal way.
Nope am not crazy, probably bored…lol, but be it as it may, you have to believe I’m right. Of all the animals God created man’s the ultimate prime. Did you ever wonder why we came last, why did He chose to make us look like an after thought (not saying he did)? Truth is for every unique creation, experiments must be made, till you arrive at you perfect precious. (I’m guessing monkeys where our last almost unique animal, am thinking he found them to be too hairy, noisy and mischievous so he corrected that with use except the mischief part)
After the uttering of the word, snapping of fingers, there was light, then night and day, bla bla bla……you know the story, and finally He got down to the business of the day (fourth day), creating life, Gen 1: 20, he started with the water animals, fishes, whales, jelly fish, shark, shawa, titus…….seriously living in water didn’t look like the best of options, they couldn’t be His prime, Life in water 24/7. Next stop were flying animals, now that would have be kinda cool, being able to fly, (without the feathers though), but hey picture traffic in the air, and being covered in feathers and chics laying eggs……lol, just so not cool.
Day 5, Gen 1:24, creation of cattle, creeping things and beasts of the earth, each according to its kind…..lol, would so love to see us working on all fours, eating grass spinning webs, licking ourselves clean and taking a dump anywhere we see fit. In the end we just weren’t cut out for all that drama, humiliation and grotesque life.
Finally came the creation of You, every You created unique on its own, best way that being made possible was by adding a little bit of animal traits here and there to create the one perfect you. Example, Nokia phone, right from 3310, 1100 down to the E and N series, it still has a unique feature, might be logo, ring tone, games or application, you can always tell a Nokia phone from Sony Ericsson. Same goes for man, you could be white, black, red, purple, and you’ll still have the traits that distinguish you as a human with animal instincts/traits. The biggest difference is just the will, free will, being able to think on your own.
When you’re called a coward, just a nice way of calling you chicken, you’re sluggish/slow - You’re a snail,
You’re a glutton-big fat pig,
Strong-you’re a horse,
Slippery-snake,
Selfish- my dog (andro),
Noisy/fool of pranks- monkey
Playful- puppy,
Slut-female dog (B***H),
Cute- kitten,
Stupid -turkey,
Stubborn - goat,
Ugly- camel/vulture,
Hard working-ant,
Crazy laughter-hyena,
Drunkard-fish
Night crawler-owl
Short sighted/blind- bat
Pest-fly, mosquito
Attaché-ticks
Hairy- definitely an ape
Dirty-pig
Smelly-goat/skunk
Talkative-parrot
Helpful – dolphin
Big and dumb- buffalo
Slim and dumb-giraffe
Just dumb – donkey
Miser – hermit crab
Boring – cow
Fart a lot – skunk
Cunning – definitely not tortoise (don’t know where all em story books got the idea)
Gullible – still a fish
Lecher – dog
Slim and ugly – chiwawa (spelling right)
Fat and ugly – Obasanjo (don’t get me wrong, that’s an animal)
Fat and lazy – hippo
Big and slow – elephant
Player – bull
Scavenger – vulture
Could go on and on with the list but my favourite of all is tall, strong, handsome – ME
Lol…….
So knock yourself out and add more if you like bit know this, when you see some one acting up, remember he’s just acting the animal in him/her

DEATH ON WHEELS

In life one sure constant is change, change in nature, position, beings, status, change in life, even in death, change is always a constant. What we don’t seem to realise is that this change is just a revolving circle. Well am not hear to do a brainstorm on change, most people end up in the psych ward for trying. Me, I prefer starting from the end of change which in a way is also the gate way to a new beginning. Talking about death, when one dies another is born, giving way to continuity….bla bla bla! Seriously am beginning to confuse myself.
Death is the one thing most people don’t really pay attention to, well not until you’re 69 using walking stick or you start to dye your grey hair, then you think about it every now and then, when you wake up, your first thought will be “wow! I’m alive”, and when going to bed you always remember to pray and ask for forgiveness, just in case your time expires that night, but before that most young people don’t give death a second thought. True words; not everyone wakes up in the morning and think “wow! I didn’t die in my sleep”, for me my first thoughts are
“Damn I need a cup of coffee…….wait, first brush your teeth, no! First go tell mum good morning “. For some it’s
“Oh crap! I’m going to work today” or,
“Where am I? Oh yeah I remember, last night was wild; 6 bottles; who’s this guy/girl beside me?”
For the righteous ones and the un knowing hypocrites (they don’t realise they are hypocrites), they say their morning prayers, and then the day begins no thought of death. At night you go to bed planning the next day, WHY? Because you’re oblivious to the fact that death lurks around.
And the cycle continues, but what we don’t realise is that death circles us just about the same way air’s around us, just waiting and hoping it gets lucky.
The question now is, “is it because people are afraid of death, they keep it locked in a small room at the back of our brains? Avoiding the thought, or we chose not to acknowledge that it exists, for that reason you see people doing obscene life threatening, death welcoming things? Or maybe we know it’s timetable and are definitely sure your time's not coming soon. (Don’t say that to the family members of October 1st attack)
Whatever the reason, we can’t avoid the basic truth, we all have an expiry date. How? When? Is the question we all don’t know, but if you where to ask people, “How would you want to die?” majority of the reply would be “
"In my sleep",
"Peacefully",
And "when I’m old”.
Why do people have the notion that dying in ones sleep is always peaceful?
99% of the times it happens, the die (ee) is always alone, next morning we all say the dead (ee) died peacefully. PLEASE!!!!! Chances are the person had a heart attack, was choking or possibly had a spasm/convulsion which led to death.
Its hard to picture death as painless, even The Reaper holds a scythe (curve knife), which I definitely don’t think it’s for slicing bread, or farm work, or to compliment his evil looks. So please quit being unrealistic and be a realist. Embrace death, might not be painless but you could always picture your seven virgins waiting for you in paradise. That way you see a bright light at the end of the tunnel. (Quick question: if guys get seven virgins, what do ladies get? Seven hot studs? Lol)
So in the end, what if we where given the choice to pick how to leave this world, what would it be?
GUN:
Russian roulette
Firing squad
Bullet to the head/mouth
Grenade
War
BLADE:
Stabbing
Neck slicing
Wrist slicing
Beheading
EXPLOSION/FIRE:
Gas explosion
Petrol
Nuclear weapon
Missiles
Land mine
Terrorist attack
CRASH:
Plane
Car
Okada
Train (not possible in Nigeria)
DROWNING
Swimming pool
Titanic
Bath tub
OLD SCHOOL:
Crucifixion
Staking
Hanging
Beheading
Gladiator
Stoning
MEDCINE
drugs (illegal overdose)
Diseases
Virus
Lethal injection
Bad health.
In the end deaths inevitable, what matters is how ready and prepared we are for it. A huge percentage of humans don’t wake up with the knowledge of death, probably those on death row, or wanting to commit suicide, or probably grand parents like mine that have lived up to 95. The people that died in the bomb blast on Independence Day 2010, never woke up with the knowledge of their inevitable end. Most times our choices point us in the direction of our downfall, other times it turns us away, but in the end it catches up with us, the only difference is the timing in which it takes to catch up.
My advice, be not afraid for eventually we all have to accept it, see it as a gate way to the end, an end that opens to a new beginning. You have only one life, so why not make the best of it? Death can’t be out run even if you’ve got jet engines, death is on and definitely got faster wheels.