DEAR SANTA

Dear Santa,
It’s funny how it’s only this time of the year you become relevant, I mean, I never ever think of you through out the whole year. Maybe it because for some reasons in the last 10 years I haven’t gotten a gift from you, now why is that?
You definitely can’t say I haven’t been good these past years. Or is it because we moved and no longer live on the top floor, and our house doesn’t have a chimney?
How do you ever fit into chimneys with your excess fat and sagging stomach, haven’t you heard of something called a gym? I mean you go around carrying your big fat belly around encouraging fathers that it looks cool. I guess you also drink too much beer that’s why, so which is your brand? Star, 33, Gulder? naa you look like a Heineken man. Do me a favour, go hit the gym and while you’re at it, stop at the barbers place. They just might mistake you for a terrorist climbing people’s roofs.

I left the doors open last year hoping you’ll think it wise not to pass my house by since I don’t have a chimney, but I guess the excess fat’s getting your brains clogged. (No offence).
Or could it be because the last time you landed Rudolf and the other reindeers (never figured out their names) on the roof, my neighbours saw it as an opportunity for free Christmas game kill and tried out their stoning practise on the deers hoping for free meat? Poor Rudolf! One would think that by now you’d have caught up with the 21st century and bought yourself a cool set of wheels and quit messing up peoples roofing sheets, you do realise people in Nigeria/Ibadan use zinc, which really is noisy so when you land, you wake the whole neighbourhood, which gives up your position and once again you become target practise.

Rumour has it that traps have been set for you on roofs and instead of stones like the last time, security men have been equipped with hunting rifles, its tagged “operation shoot to kill”, and who ever gets to kill or trap Rudolf gets his red nose and head.
So I advice you tried wheels, don’t go for low cars, try the SUV’s or sienna, they have enough room for you and the gifts, hey I could even hook you up with a good deal. If you’re game you know how to find me.

Speaking of gifts, you really do owe me all these lost years and have to make up, also I’m going out here risking my neck by telling you the plans they have for your deer and saving your red behind so you really need to step up and show me some attic love.
My list it really isn’t much just the basic,
1st of all I need a bb, not blue band I mean a black berry, sick of chicks asking me for a pin, running out of lines to tell them. BB bold 9700
2. An Ipad Wi-Fi 16GB tablet
3. Zune
4. Skate board…….i don’t know how too, but would be cool to carry one in my back pack.
5. Nikon D5000 digital camera
6. TAG Heuer or a Casio G- shock
7. PS 3 and make sure it comes with Call of Duty: Black Ops game
8. A date with Kim kardashian or Nicki Minaj
9. A new wardrobe, with all the basics and essentials
Finally my last gift is for you…..buy a clipper for me but you can keep it, you need it more than I do. And make sure you use it; you need a serious total make over, probably should try a Mohawk or weave. Don’t you watch E TV or The Style Network TSN? You need to go watch them, start with TSN, watch “How Do I Look”, then get some style tips from E TV. Lose that big fluffy red and white costume you wear and replace it with a suit. Trust me you’ll look more like an entrepreneur/CEO than some weirdo climbing into people’s house to toy with kids. You just might beat Brad Pitt to the father of the year award if you take my advice.

Anyway don’t say I never wrote you this year and didn’t show you love, once again my house would be the only one without a zinc roof and with the generator on, not expecting PHCN to be nice that day. Would put a sign board for you just in case and the spare house key is under the mat. So you don’t have an excuse for miss my house.
Don’t forget, gym, change your wardrobe, wheels, salon, and please quit the way you laugh, kids now know the slang word whore, so when you go HOHOHOHOHO, it sound pretty much like whorewhorewhore…….lol, sorry had to add that, really funny joke I heard.

Merry Christmas Santa, would be on the look out for you on the eve of Christmas.