Dear Santa,
It’s funny how it’s only this time of the year you become relevant, I mean, I never ever think of you through out the whole year. Maybe it because for some reasons in the last 10 years I haven’t gotten a gift from you, now why is that?
You definitely can’t say I haven’t been good these past years. Or is it because we moved and no longer live on the top floor, and our house doesn’t have a chimney?
How do you ever fit into chimneys with your excess fat and sagging stomach, haven’t you heard of something called a gym? I mean you go around carrying your big fat belly around encouraging fathers that it looks cool. I guess you also drink too much beer that’s why, so which is your brand? Star, 33, Gulder? naa you look like a Heineken man. Do me a favour, go hit the gym and while you’re at it, stop at the barbers place. They just might mistake you for a terrorist climbing people’s roofs.
I left the doors open last year hoping you’ll think it wise not to pass my house by since I don’t have a chimney, but I guess the excess fat’s getting your brains clogged. (No offence).
Or could it be because the last time you landed Rudolf and the other reindeers (never figured out their names) on the roof, my neighbours saw it as an opportunity for free Christmas game kill and tried out their stoning practise on the deers hoping for free meat? Poor Rudolf! One would think that by now you’d have caught up with the 21st century and bought yourself a cool set of wheels and quit messing up peoples roofing sheets, you do realise people in Nigeria/Ibadan use zinc, which really is noisy so when you land, you wake the whole neighbourhood, which gives up your position and once again you become target practise.
Rumour has it that traps have been set for you on roofs and instead of stones like the last time, security men have been equipped with hunting rifles, its tagged “operation shoot to kill”, and who ever gets to kill or trap Rudolf gets his red nose and head.
So I advice you tried wheels, don’t go for low cars, try the SUV’s or sienna, they have enough room for you and the gifts, hey I could even hook you up with a good deal. If you’re game you know how to find me.
Speaking of gifts, you really do owe me all these lost years and have to make up, also I’m going out here risking my neck by telling you the plans they have for your deer and saving your red behind so you really need to step up and show me some attic love.
My list it really isn’t much just the basic,
1st of all I need a bb, not blue band I mean a black berry, sick of chicks asking me for a pin, running out of lines to tell them. BB bold 9700
2. An Ipad Wi-Fi 16GB tablet
3. Zune
4. Skate board…….i don’t know how too, but would be cool to carry one in my back pack.
5. Nikon D5000 digital camera
6. TAG Heuer or a Casio G- shock
7. PS 3 and make sure it comes with Call of Duty: Black Ops game
8. A date with Kim kardashian or Nicki Minaj
9. A new wardrobe, with all the basics and essentials
Finally my last gift is for you…..buy a clipper for me but you can keep it, you need it more than I do. And make sure you use it; you need a serious total make over, probably should try a Mohawk or weave. Don’t you watch E TV or The Style Network TSN? You need to go watch them, start with TSN, watch “How Do I Look”, then get some style tips from E TV. Lose that big fluffy red and white costume you wear and replace it with a suit. Trust me you’ll look more like an entrepreneur/CEO than some weirdo climbing into people’s house to toy with kids. You just might beat Brad Pitt to the father of the year award if you take my advice.
Anyway don’t say I never wrote you this year and didn’t show you love, once again my house would be the only one without a zinc roof and with the generator on, not expecting PHCN to be nice that day. Would put a sign board for you just in case and the spare house key is under the mat. So you don’t have an excuse for miss my house.
Don’t forget, gym, change your wardrobe, wheels, salon, and please quit the way you laugh, kids now know the slang word whore, so when you go HOHOHOHOHO, it sound pretty much like whorewhorewhore…….lol, sorry had to add that, really funny joke I heard.
Merry Christmas Santa, would be on the look out for you on the eve of Christmas.
Everyone has a way of releasing their 5 minutes madness........welcome to mine
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
FIVE FINGERS
And it was that God created man, and we where seen in His eyes as being created in His own image. An image which we can’t really say what is, for man and woman even though we think we are the same, we are different. You wouldn’t expect me to spell out the difference for you for we all have eyes to spot the difference but yet we are meant to be in His image. Would you now say God is Man or Woman? I guess we would all find out at the end. My guess is the image we speak of is not the physical, but spiritual.
The real question is “where we all equally created?” do you feel all man was created equal and given the same opportunities in life? Don’t answer just yet, hear me out before you jump off you horse.
If the answer is yes, why do we have Man and Woman? What would you say about those born with silver/platinum spoons compared to those with no spoon at all? People with no history of bad health and those whose best vacation are when they leave their hospital beds to visit neighbouring patients? Those who see drinking soft drinks as a luxury and best form of relaxing and those who’s sense of relaxing starts with crossing oceans and boarders. Or people who only sweat when working out and those who cherish the standing fans in their living rooms? People whose lives have a mapped out blue print with prospects and those who don’t even know what will be of them in the next hour? People who dare not have a bank account because saving for them is not in their dictionary and people whose money make up the bank funds or need more than a bank to hold their assets? You see the list could go on and on, in the end you realize not all fingers are equal. Would you tell a child born in the slumps of Sudan that he’s equal to the child born in the swamps of Warri? One has more privileges than the other, so how then would you say they be equal? Why do you have beggars begging you on the streets?
Two close friends graduate from the same department same year with same grades, but one gets a job immediately after while the other waits years before he ends up giving in to fate, why? Because the latter comes from a well stocked family and the other’s family struggled even to send him to school. Now one’s a CEO the other driving buses for a living. How equal would you call that.
If you feel man to be equal, why are you guilty of one time wishing you where born in another country or even to another family, wish you where white, or adopted by Brad and Angelina? Why there are sins called envy, jealousy and contempt? Isn’t inequality the root of these sins? Why is money the root of all evil if it’s not because the Have not try to have and the Haves try to have more?
I’ll tell you words that wouldn’t be if we where equal, words like opportunity, chance, luck, winner, loser, rich, poor etc.
Not matter what we feel, in the real sense of it we all are not equal, the inequality is what creates the balance, it’s what makes the whole essence of life meaningful, none of your fingers are equal, and even with the variance in height they all have their specific functions and together they make up the hand which on then becomes a meaningful appendage. There’s more to buff my reasons which I’ll explain but not now, definitely in the part two of these, but I’ll love to know your own notion. Do you think you’re equal to the next man beside you? If you where to compare yourself to the five fingers, which one would you be?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
SKUNKLOVE
Was watching a movie, titled "HITCH"....yeah i know a lot of y'all seen it.so apart from the scary look face Big will had because of his allergies, and Eva Mendes killer body, what also caught me was a line....."no lady wakes up in the morning with out the thought of wanting to be swept of her feet,all the guy needs is the right broom"....well he didn't say it exactly like that but ,still you get the gist.
So because of this i thought hey, maybe i should look for the right broom,...sorry bulldozer and sweep this chick i have had an eye on for quite sometime,....so i did.
Did my push ups,had my bath, sprayed half my Ange Ou Le Demon perfume by Givenchy...............OKAY!!!!, my mum's perfume doesn't mean i don't have a classy one.so you know i use one of the CK editions.....anyway back to the story.i put on my T.M, Pierre Cardin, locked up with a pair of P.S............i was out to kill,oh b4 i forget ,i topped it up with my nerd shades.
So here i was ready for my kill, knowing so well that i wasn't only going to sweep her off,i was going to seal the deal.
She takes an early bus to work so i woke up early to catch up with her.........my plan was to sit with her and from there start dropping my lines, making her go ooohhh and wowwwwww and awwwwww.(you know how i roll)...but some idiot guy just beats me to the sit so tough lock i had to sit behind.plan A failed ...next stop plan B.....as you can already see or realize, am jobless...BUT..please take into consideration my relentless energy and desperation.
Plan B was to follow her to work which i did, she works in one of those tall buildings that need an elevator,so here i was chasing her hoping i could catch her in it .............long story short,my hands aching from typing.....i caught up with her as she was closing the lift...and i shouted in the best accent i could master...hold it please.........that was my first mistake,i wish she didn't hold it because when i go in to the lift and the door closed my smiles turned to frown, then tears.........some awful smell, a blend off rotten eggs, sour beans and fish hit me,(more like skunk gas)....i ended up being the one swept off his feet....she didn't hold it, the chick had farted.CRAP....i tried looking at a her and she was all acting, like she didn't do nothing.searching for a phone that wasn't ringing.....good thing i also spray my hanky so it saved me.
still not being dithered by my mission, i decided to go ahead,i said hi, nice shoes....she faced me, open her mouth said something....but too late the garlic breathe knocked me out.....woke up in the receptions' corner and they told me i passed out,they found me lying in the lift....stupid chick,after nearly killing me, best she could have done was call for help.............
So because of this i thought hey, maybe i should look for the right broom,...sorry bulldozer and sweep this chick i have had an eye on for quite sometime,....so i did.
Did my push ups,had my bath, sprayed half my Ange Ou Le Demon perfume by Givenchy...............OKAY!!!!, my mum's perfume doesn't mean i don't have a classy one.so you know i use one of the CK editions.....anyway back to the story.i put on my T.M, Pierre Cardin, locked up with a pair of P.S............i was out to kill,oh b4 i forget ,i topped it up with my nerd shades.
So here i was ready for my kill, knowing so well that i wasn't only going to sweep her off,i was going to seal the deal.
She takes an early bus to work so i woke up early to catch up with her.........my plan was to sit with her and from there start dropping my lines, making her go ooohhh and wowwwwww and awwwwww.(you know how i roll)...but some idiot guy just beats me to the sit so tough lock i had to sit behind.plan A failed ...next stop plan B.....as you can already see or realize, am jobless...BUT..please take into consideration my relentless energy and desperation.
Plan B was to follow her to work which i did, she works in one of those tall buildings that need an elevator,so here i was chasing her hoping i could catch her in it .............long story short,my hands aching from typing.....i caught up with her as she was closing the lift...and i shouted in the best accent i could master...hold it please.........that was my first mistake,i wish she didn't hold it because when i go in to the lift and the door closed my smiles turned to frown, then tears.........some awful smell, a blend off rotten eggs, sour beans and fish hit me,(more like skunk gas)....i ended up being the one swept off his feet....she didn't hold it, the chick had farted.CRAP....i tried looking at a her and she was all acting, like she didn't do nothing.searching for a phone that wasn't ringing.....good thing i also spray my hanky so it saved me.
still not being dithered by my mission, i decided to go ahead,i said hi, nice shoes....she faced me, open her mouth said something....but too late the garlic breathe knocked me out.....woke up in the receptions' corner and they told me i passed out,they found me lying in the lift....stupid chick,after nearly killing me, best she could have done was call for help.............
MAKING A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL
WARNING: THIS NOTE IS CONTENT SENSITIVE, IF YOU HAVE STRONG RELIGIOUS BELIEVE PLS REFRAIN FROM READING THIS. ALSO DO NOT JUDGE ME BASED BY THIS.......LOL, like i care hahaha
They say an idle mind is the devils work shop, true words, meaning unless you want the devil to get made and paid using you mind, try not to be idle. BUT if you insist on being idle, why don’t you get a better deal outta this union or should i say business....let me deviate here......
All through history the one thing that is constant is change, a lot has changed since creation, examples
Then it was telegrams, now we have FACEBOOK
Then it was cart on wheels dragged by men, now its automobile driven by man
Then it was communication via smoke/bow & arrow, birds (the bird thing’s cool) now we have mobile phones
VCR now BLUE RAY
MACKINTOSH now I PADS
Hand wound projector TV, now PLASMA, LCD, HD ......so you get my gist...back to the topic
Since everything evolves, why not evolve in the types of sin committed. Get a better deal from the devil, I mean, picture yourself in hell and everyone is bragging about what got them to the joint.
1st guy.......I killed 5 men with out spilling their blood
2nd guy.......I robbed a multinational company from my bathroom
1st chick........I had over 20condos scattered around the world and didnt pay for one. all thanks to my dead husbands/muguS
3rd guy…….i stole over a billion dollars from my country and was rewarded by being made president.
THEN YOU............am here because i pictured sleep with a guy/girl in my head.......lol, seriously the torture wont be the place you're in, it'll be from the thought of "had i know i would have done worse".....
SO WHY SETTLE FOR LESS? UP GRADE YOUR SINS
EXAMPLES
I'll start with the most common of all........SEX...fornication, adultery, paedophilia, masochism, cougars, prostitution...etc
Why kill yourself dreaming of IT? when you can pay a hooker....down side, STD, AIDS
Why be a hooker and stand on the road side at night, when the chances of clientele is slim, rape- high, when you can be a runs girl with 36 boy friends in the 36 states and play them mugu.
Why cheat on your girl friend with girls in the same state, when you can have a girlfriend in every state.
Why sleep with the house girl/Gardner (that’s so old school) with a high chance of knocking her/yourself up, getting cut and thrown out? Seriously what do you think your friends will say when you tell them your story, you’ll be tagged a fool. Try going to bars, clubs, beaches, universities, you’ll always find a girl to play mugu with or a boy toy, and if cut, for the guy you can always marry a second wife, for the lady,………….GO FIGURE
A lot of people do obscene things all for the sake of getting rich…seriously things people settle for is crazy, EXAMPLES
Is it that people don’t watch hollywood to know that the era of robbing banks with guns blazing is so 19th century? You go guns blazing, downside, you waste bullets, time, and might not even get into the bank because of the security, and even though you do, you leave (if you survive the shot out) with less than enough, then you give your loot to the boss who after he takes his share leave you with enough to by beer, isi ewu, and hookers for just a week then you’re back to square one.
Here’s a hint, every banks gone upgrade, technology, security, transport. So what’s stopping your own upgrade? Think internet robbery, high tech break in. That way you make serious hits less time spent, more money made and definitely less or no bullets.
Speaking of internet lets talk internet fraud AKA yahoo yahoo: if you still think people are still naive about it, you’re either stupid or just being stupidly stupid. The whole world has cut up with the whole oil well story or long lost uncle crap, what you need is to go upgrade, YAHOO ++, that way you have the devil backing you. Pity, you won’t live to tell your story.
Or you go and try out blood money and your chicken picks only 2 corn seeds, giving you just two years to leave, i can imagine the devil laughing his a** off, but seriously instead of that try kidnapping, it's risk free, highly profitable and is exactly like fishing, if you catch blows, you can always recast your net. trust me there's are plenty senators and ministers children out for grabbing.
But honestly why waste so much time on the computer hoping and praying to catch a maga and hammer, when you can just be a politician and hammer seriously?
Now we’re on the note of politicians I don’t get this, you want to be a rich and corrupt politician and you go and join AP,PPA or ANPP, you’re seriously daft. Haven’t you heard of PDP? Trust me, if you get you’re foot in, all you aspirations will be met, including VIP gate pass to HELL.
There plenty more upgrades of sins you could chose from, this are just the few I could dig into, but if you really want to go make the devil your inspiration then you should aspire to think outside the box, don’t let the devil eat his cake and have it, be a Nigerian and beat him at his game, upgrade you sins.
Once again this is not in anyway a go ahead, cause on judgment day when God asks you, if you say, Ikenna said, OYO LO WA. Am just telling those that have set their mind on damnation to make the best of there time. in the end if you know you want to sin and go to hell, make the best of it and think big.
My final advice: REPENT
They say an idle mind is the devils work shop, true words, meaning unless you want the devil to get made and paid using you mind, try not to be idle. BUT if you insist on being idle, why don’t you get a better deal outta this union or should i say business....let me deviate here......
All through history the one thing that is constant is change, a lot has changed since creation, examples
Then it was telegrams, now we have FACEBOOK
Then it was cart on wheels dragged by men, now its automobile driven by man
Then it was communication via smoke/bow & arrow, birds (the bird thing’s cool) now we have mobile phones
VCR now BLUE RAY
MACKINTOSH now I PADS
Hand wound projector TV, now PLASMA, LCD, HD ......so you get my gist...back to the topic
Since everything evolves, why not evolve in the types of sin committed. Get a better deal from the devil, I mean, picture yourself in hell and everyone is bragging about what got them to the joint.
1st guy.......I killed 5 men with out spilling their blood
2nd guy.......I robbed a multinational company from my bathroom
1st chick........I had over 20condos scattered around the world and didnt pay for one. all thanks to my dead husbands/muguS
3rd guy…….i stole over a billion dollars from my country and was rewarded by being made president.
THEN YOU............am here because i pictured sleep with a guy/girl in my head.......lol, seriously the torture wont be the place you're in, it'll be from the thought of "had i know i would have done worse".....
SO WHY SETTLE FOR LESS? UP GRADE YOUR SINS
EXAMPLES
I'll start with the most common of all........SEX...fornication, adultery, paedophilia, masochism, cougars, prostitution...etc
Why kill yourself dreaming of IT? when you can pay a hooker....down side, STD, AIDS
Why be a hooker and stand on the road side at night, when the chances of clientele is slim, rape- high, when you can be a runs girl with 36 boy friends in the 36 states and play them mugu.
Why cheat on your girl friend with girls in the same state, when you can have a girlfriend in every state.
Why sleep with the house girl/Gardner (that’s so old school) with a high chance of knocking her/yourself up, getting cut and thrown out? Seriously what do you think your friends will say when you tell them your story, you’ll be tagged a fool. Try going to bars, clubs, beaches, universities, you’ll always find a girl to play mugu with or a boy toy, and if cut, for the guy you can always marry a second wife, for the lady,………….GO FIGURE
A lot of people do obscene things all for the sake of getting rich…seriously things people settle for is crazy, EXAMPLES
Is it that people don’t watch hollywood to know that the era of robbing banks with guns blazing is so 19th century? You go guns blazing, downside, you waste bullets, time, and might not even get into the bank because of the security, and even though you do, you leave (if you survive the shot out) with less than enough, then you give your loot to the boss who after he takes his share leave you with enough to by beer, isi ewu, and hookers for just a week then you’re back to square one.
Here’s a hint, every banks gone upgrade, technology, security, transport. So what’s stopping your own upgrade? Think internet robbery, high tech break in. That way you make serious hits less time spent, more money made and definitely less or no bullets.
Speaking of internet lets talk internet fraud AKA yahoo yahoo: if you still think people are still naive about it, you’re either stupid or just being stupidly stupid. The whole world has cut up with the whole oil well story or long lost uncle crap, what you need is to go upgrade, YAHOO ++, that way you have the devil backing you. Pity, you won’t live to tell your story.
Or you go and try out blood money and your chicken picks only 2 corn seeds, giving you just two years to leave, i can imagine the devil laughing his a** off, but seriously instead of that try kidnapping, it's risk free, highly profitable and is exactly like fishing, if you catch blows, you can always recast your net. trust me there's are plenty senators and ministers children out for grabbing.
But honestly why waste so much time on the computer hoping and praying to catch a maga and hammer, when you can just be a politician and hammer seriously?
Now we’re on the note of politicians I don’t get this, you want to be a rich and corrupt politician and you go and join AP,PPA or ANPP, you’re seriously daft. Haven’t you heard of PDP? Trust me, if you get you’re foot in, all you aspirations will be met, including VIP gate pass to HELL.
There plenty more upgrades of sins you could chose from, this are just the few I could dig into, but if you really want to go make the devil your inspiration then you should aspire to think outside the box, don’t let the devil eat his cake and have it, be a Nigerian and beat him at his game, upgrade you sins.
Once again this is not in anyway a go ahead, cause on judgment day when God asks you, if you say, Ikenna said, OYO LO WA. Am just telling those that have set their mind on damnation to make the best of there time. in the end if you know you want to sin and go to hell, make the best of it and think big.
My final advice: REPENT
FEBRUARY 14
A lot of people have personal days and dates of memory, could be 20th January, 30th February, 11th September, 1st October, 31st October, 23rd November or even the famous 25th December. It could be a birthday, wedding, holiday, day you found out you where positive, or escaped death, day you hammered, day your heart was broken, your first car, national disaster, or the day you die. Whoever you are, you have dates you never forget, dates which when they reoccur you either celebrate or mourn.
And so it is, I have one of this dates, one out of all the 366 dates possible in a human calendar, this date made me where I am today, this date changed my life forever, the date’s February 14………valentine’s day.
The time was 5.59am, and I was already awake but not out of bed, was waiting anxiously for the alarm to go off. It had become a routine never to get out of bed until I heard her voice on the alarm say “it’s time to get up honey, you don’t want to be late do you?”, the voice of the one I had planned today specially for. So I lay in bed waiting even though I had been awake for the past 45 mins.
6.00am and it went off, my goodness, that voice, it really was worth waiting for and waking up too. But soon it’ll be it would be more than just the voice I’d be waking up to, but her presence, touch and gentle sound of her breathing next to me, soon she was going to be my bride. I had picked today as the perfect day to pop the question. She couldn’t have my child without having my name.
The elation shot through me, I was to be a father and a husband…..soon.
So I jumped out of bed, did my usual 100 push ups, sit ups, had a bath, coffee glanced through the papers, finally time check was 7.30, she should be ready by now, ready to go to work. Good thing she was on duty this Saturday, that way I could make my plans with out expecting any intrusion.
Hey babe, good morning. Happy Valentines Day
You too hon, just about heading out for work
You don’t sound ok, what’s up?
The thought of going to work today is killing, wish I where with you
Awh! Don’t worry babe, you’ll be through by 6pm then we’ll have the evening and night. How’s my baby?
Which one, she laughs
The small tiny one
How would I know, doesn’t even feel like I’m carry anything yet, only been 2 months
Aight then, have fun, would miss you loads
You to hon.
And she was gone. Now I had to get everything set.
First of all send flowers to her office then, pink roses and tulips, her favourite coupled with truffels. That should keep her busy till we see.
Had to get to Cartier to pick up the ring, had to have it custom made to her taste.
Then the market, couldn’t believe I was actually going to cook, not that I couldn’t, just that I was going to out do my self today. Pasta, fish fillets, pork chops, grilled steak, garden salad, barbequed chicken, spiced potatoes, fro the wine it has to be a 1943 Coteaux de Layon, thought champagne but she wasn’t really a fan, but still a Moët would do perfectly for a night cap.
Time check now was 11.23am, right on schedule. What was left was the florist to pick up more flowers for my place, and then hit the mall for some scented candles; lavender and strawberries would be perfect.
Damn I had almost forgot to pick up dessert, so I picked up strawberries, ice-cream, fruit cake and whip cream for the after party. Oh man I had a wicked grin on my face, the thought alone put me in frenzy.
Got home by about 1.30pm, good timing I could get every thing ready before I went to pick her up.
Immediately I remembered we hadn’t yet finalised the plans and hadn’t found out if she had received my flowers and chocolate.
Why hadn’t she called? the delivery guys promised to deliver within the hour, that was like since 10 in the morning.
“The number you’re trying to call is not reachable right now Pl…….” that was her number; I tried again and still heard the not so sexy voice telling me the same message.
Oh well probably she’s busy, would call her later.
Called my best friend to let him know of my plans, his phone also was not available,
Really! This network couldn’t pick a better day to mess things up
Straight up I went to the kitchen to get started, I know I’m a hell of a cook but thank God for oven cooked meals, putting on my apron I went to work, started with seasoning the chicken then left it to marinate, put the pork chops in the oven. Everything took more time than I had anticipated but by 4.40 I was through
Went ached to set the table, lit the candles, made sure the cd was in the player, rose petals in the bath tub, checked for the ring again. After everything I look around, B.E.A.U.tiful was all I could think, “You’ve out don’t yourself my friend” I heard my self say. Quickly I went to get my camera, this was something our kids had to see, I spotted her Val gift, a matching Tiffany necklace and bangle, 5 carat gold with diamond studs, I really was out doing myself, but could I help it? I was crazy in love.
Nothing could mess the night up, or so I thought, it started going wrong right about 5.20pm,
I knew this because I was taking pictures of the whole setting, that’s when I realised something was missing, I left my carving knife at her place, Damn! Had to rush over to her place, good thing I had a key.
I called again but her phone was still not available, bloody network.
I had to make a quick decision,
Okay, I first rush over to her place, pick up the knife, then head over to hospital and pick her up.
Next wrong thing was the car, in all the whole rush I forgot to buy gas, it stopped almost as I was getting to her place. Good thing I was almost there, I could walk it
Was still picturing the night in my head when I got to her place,
Her car was parked in the garage, so! She was back from work, time check was 6.10pm,
From here I wish I made different choices, all I wanted to do was surprise her.
So I opened her door with my own key, why did I not knock? AARRRGH!
The whole house was pitch black, but I knew my way around
Normally I usually shout a greeting to know where she, I didn’t.
I fiddled my way round the sitting room pass the kitchen and dining, that’s when I heard it, could hear the sound of one moaning, and a man grunting, was she watching porn? I knew she said she had given it up but hey, anything to get the mood right. So I followed my ears till my eyes caught up with the light from the room, gently opening the door I saw what I had pictured, only this time it was not happening on the TV, it was happening right there on her bed.
What I say could only be seen in hardcore porn, she was been taking from behind…for that reason they couldn’t see me.
I really can say what I was feeling, I what came over me.
The love and elation I felt turned hate and madness.
I walked back the same way I came, to the kitchen, and poured myself a glass of scotch, then two, then another and another until I lost count trying to drown the sound and moaning coming from next door.
Don’t know how long I spent sitting in the dark, but I noticed the sound had seized. I heard the soft laughter I was used to, then her saying she need a drink, and something about calling me.
How could she be like that, after being screwed senseless, she was going to call me……… no sooner than 2 minutes my phone rang,
Do you hear that, she said?
Immediately my phone stopped ringing.
Then again it started,
This time I was walking back to the room, holding my phone and the carving knife I came for,
Oh shit! Get dressed she said, I guess she was too busy dressing she didn’t cut this time,…for some reason I was smiling inside, was happening just like in the movies, pity I couldn’t see her first reaction, but I got to see her reaction when I entered the room.
Em, hey, you didn’t say you’d be coming, why didn’t you cal…. Sorry my battery was dead…..you know this isn’t what it looks like.
She was going to play that card.
I looked at the son of Bitch she was with, only to realise it was my dick head best friends.
You bastard, I charged after him with the carving knife,
I guess he was waiting for that move, because I charged right into a knuckle blow.
Damn! I was counting my teeth,
This fool broke my teeth, with all fury I charged again, this time like an NFL quarter back going for the killer tackle, pulled him down, alone with the mirrors, the table and every thing on it. Up on him I rained punches, the more she was screaming for me to stop, the more it fueled my anger. All I could picture was this fool humping my wife to be, next thing I heard was her scream,
“He’s the father of my child”.
In shock I paused which gave him a chance to knock me over
When where you going to tell me? After I made a fool of myself by proposing to you? I fumbled for the ring in my pocket and threw at her.
“I was going to tell you today, I’m so sorry”
You bitch! I tried standing when I was knocked back down by my best friend.
Please don’t, leave him, she screamed,
But he was always one to show off and never back down, so he came after me, quickly I pick up the knife and swung,
And it hit home, only that something was wrong, right in front of me wasn’t him but her, how did it happen? I later realised that while I was picking up the knife she had jumped between us to stop our madness.
What have you done, had open his mouth to speak.
Call 911 you fool,
My hand all covered in blood; hold her as she began to cough up blood.
Don’t speak, just hang in there,
CALL 911 YOU FOOL! I screamed
I’m so sorry, please forgive me, I don’t know what I was thinking
No, I’m the one that’s sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I really….I really do love you……she coughs up more blood. I’m so sorry. And the lights fade out of her eyes.
My God what had I done? I looked around to see I was alone, next thing I hear sirens and see flashes of blue and red.
Moments later, I hear stomping feet, crashing doors, and then unclear words. I was drowning I oblivion.
LET ME SEE YOU HANDS!
DROP THE WEAPON!
STEP AWAY FROM THE BODY!
LET’S SEE THOSE HANDS!
ON THE FLOOR NOW! NOW! NOW!
So I was pushed to the ground and cuffed, I tried crying out for them to help her, but the words didn’t travel as far as my lips
Every thing else happened so fast, I realized the cops had been called by neighbours from hearing the noise. I was hulled outside into the dark night painted by the red and blue lights then into the black and white and from there on my who life seemed to diminish, my bloody shirt was replace with an orange two piece, my name changed to inmate 2005214, don’t remember the trial, because it didn’t take that long.
What happened to my pork chops, barbequed chicken, pasta, my Moët? My Val gift in the drawer? I guess the candles burned bright and out, the music played with no one to dance to it. Flowers dried up, ice-cream melted out. What happened to my well made home in anticipation of Valentine’s Day? I’ll never know
Its 2010 February 13, and my new cell mate asks,
You got anybody on the outside you would have spent tomorrow with
I rolled my back to him and say,
Wake me up when it’s February 15.
And so it is, I have one of this dates, one out of all the 366 dates possible in a human calendar, this date made me where I am today, this date changed my life forever, the date’s February 14………valentine’s day.
The time was 5.59am, and I was already awake but not out of bed, was waiting anxiously for the alarm to go off. It had become a routine never to get out of bed until I heard her voice on the alarm say “it’s time to get up honey, you don’t want to be late do you?”, the voice of the one I had planned today specially for. So I lay in bed waiting even though I had been awake for the past 45 mins.
6.00am and it went off, my goodness, that voice, it really was worth waiting for and waking up too. But soon it’ll be it would be more than just the voice I’d be waking up to, but her presence, touch and gentle sound of her breathing next to me, soon she was going to be my bride. I had picked today as the perfect day to pop the question. She couldn’t have my child without having my name.
The elation shot through me, I was to be a father and a husband…..soon.
So I jumped out of bed, did my usual 100 push ups, sit ups, had a bath, coffee glanced through the papers, finally time check was 7.30, she should be ready by now, ready to go to work. Good thing she was on duty this Saturday, that way I could make my plans with out expecting any intrusion.
Hey babe, good morning. Happy Valentines Day
You too hon, just about heading out for work
You don’t sound ok, what’s up?
The thought of going to work today is killing, wish I where with you
Awh! Don’t worry babe, you’ll be through by 6pm then we’ll have the evening and night. How’s my baby?
Which one, she laughs
The small tiny one
How would I know, doesn’t even feel like I’m carry anything yet, only been 2 months
Aight then, have fun, would miss you loads
You to hon.
And she was gone. Now I had to get everything set.
First of all send flowers to her office then, pink roses and tulips, her favourite coupled with truffels. That should keep her busy till we see.
Had to get to Cartier to pick up the ring, had to have it custom made to her taste.
Then the market, couldn’t believe I was actually going to cook, not that I couldn’t, just that I was going to out do my self today. Pasta, fish fillets, pork chops, grilled steak, garden salad, barbequed chicken, spiced potatoes, fro the wine it has to be a 1943 Coteaux de Layon, thought champagne but she wasn’t really a fan, but still a Moët would do perfectly for a night cap.
Time check now was 11.23am, right on schedule. What was left was the florist to pick up more flowers for my place, and then hit the mall for some scented candles; lavender and strawberries would be perfect.
Damn I had almost forgot to pick up dessert, so I picked up strawberries, ice-cream, fruit cake and whip cream for the after party. Oh man I had a wicked grin on my face, the thought alone put me in frenzy.
Got home by about 1.30pm, good timing I could get every thing ready before I went to pick her up.
Immediately I remembered we hadn’t yet finalised the plans and hadn’t found out if she had received my flowers and chocolate.
Why hadn’t she called? the delivery guys promised to deliver within the hour, that was like since 10 in the morning.
“The number you’re trying to call is not reachable right now Pl…….” that was her number; I tried again and still heard the not so sexy voice telling me the same message.
Oh well probably she’s busy, would call her later.
Called my best friend to let him know of my plans, his phone also was not available,
Really! This network couldn’t pick a better day to mess things up
Straight up I went to the kitchen to get started, I know I’m a hell of a cook but thank God for oven cooked meals, putting on my apron I went to work, started with seasoning the chicken then left it to marinate, put the pork chops in the oven. Everything took more time than I had anticipated but by 4.40 I was through
Went ached to set the table, lit the candles, made sure the cd was in the player, rose petals in the bath tub, checked for the ring again. After everything I look around, B.E.A.U.tiful was all I could think, “You’ve out don’t yourself my friend” I heard my self say. Quickly I went to get my camera, this was something our kids had to see, I spotted her Val gift, a matching Tiffany necklace and bangle, 5 carat gold with diamond studs, I really was out doing myself, but could I help it? I was crazy in love.
Nothing could mess the night up, or so I thought, it started going wrong right about 5.20pm,
I knew this because I was taking pictures of the whole setting, that’s when I realised something was missing, I left my carving knife at her place, Damn! Had to rush over to her place, good thing I had a key.
I called again but her phone was still not available, bloody network.
I had to make a quick decision,
Okay, I first rush over to her place, pick up the knife, then head over to hospital and pick her up.
Next wrong thing was the car, in all the whole rush I forgot to buy gas, it stopped almost as I was getting to her place. Good thing I was almost there, I could walk it
Was still picturing the night in my head when I got to her place,
Her car was parked in the garage, so! She was back from work, time check was 6.10pm,
From here I wish I made different choices, all I wanted to do was surprise her.
So I opened her door with my own key, why did I not knock? AARRRGH!
The whole house was pitch black, but I knew my way around
Normally I usually shout a greeting to know where she, I didn’t.
I fiddled my way round the sitting room pass the kitchen and dining, that’s when I heard it, could hear the sound of one moaning, and a man grunting, was she watching porn? I knew she said she had given it up but hey, anything to get the mood right. So I followed my ears till my eyes caught up with the light from the room, gently opening the door I saw what I had pictured, only this time it was not happening on the TV, it was happening right there on her bed.
What I say could only be seen in hardcore porn, she was been taking from behind…for that reason they couldn’t see me.
I really can say what I was feeling, I what came over me.
The love and elation I felt turned hate and madness.
I walked back the same way I came, to the kitchen, and poured myself a glass of scotch, then two, then another and another until I lost count trying to drown the sound and moaning coming from next door.
Don’t know how long I spent sitting in the dark, but I noticed the sound had seized. I heard the soft laughter I was used to, then her saying she need a drink, and something about calling me.
How could she be like that, after being screwed senseless, she was going to call me……… no sooner than 2 minutes my phone rang,
Do you hear that, she said?
Immediately my phone stopped ringing.
Then again it started,
This time I was walking back to the room, holding my phone and the carving knife I came for,
Oh shit! Get dressed she said, I guess she was too busy dressing she didn’t cut this time,…for some reason I was smiling inside, was happening just like in the movies, pity I couldn’t see her first reaction, but I got to see her reaction when I entered the room.
Em, hey, you didn’t say you’d be coming, why didn’t you cal…. Sorry my battery was dead…..you know this isn’t what it looks like.
She was going to play that card.
I looked at the son of Bitch she was with, only to realise it was my dick head best friends.
You bastard, I charged after him with the carving knife,
I guess he was waiting for that move, because I charged right into a knuckle blow.
Damn! I was counting my teeth,
This fool broke my teeth, with all fury I charged again, this time like an NFL quarter back going for the killer tackle, pulled him down, alone with the mirrors, the table and every thing on it. Up on him I rained punches, the more she was screaming for me to stop, the more it fueled my anger. All I could picture was this fool humping my wife to be, next thing I heard was her scream,
“He’s the father of my child”.
In shock I paused which gave him a chance to knock me over
When where you going to tell me? After I made a fool of myself by proposing to you? I fumbled for the ring in my pocket and threw at her.
“I was going to tell you today, I’m so sorry”
You bitch! I tried standing when I was knocked back down by my best friend.
Please don’t, leave him, she screamed,
But he was always one to show off and never back down, so he came after me, quickly I pick up the knife and swung,
And it hit home, only that something was wrong, right in front of me wasn’t him but her, how did it happen? I later realised that while I was picking up the knife she had jumped between us to stop our madness.
What have you done, had open his mouth to speak.
Call 911 you fool,
My hand all covered in blood; hold her as she began to cough up blood.
Don’t speak, just hang in there,
CALL 911 YOU FOOL! I screamed
I’m so sorry, please forgive me, I don’t know what I was thinking
No, I’m the one that’s sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I really….I really do love you……she coughs up more blood. I’m so sorry. And the lights fade out of her eyes.
My God what had I done? I looked around to see I was alone, next thing I hear sirens and see flashes of blue and red.
Moments later, I hear stomping feet, crashing doors, and then unclear words. I was drowning I oblivion.
LET ME SEE YOU HANDS!
DROP THE WEAPON!
STEP AWAY FROM THE BODY!
LET’S SEE THOSE HANDS!
ON THE FLOOR NOW! NOW! NOW!
So I was pushed to the ground and cuffed, I tried crying out for them to help her, but the words didn’t travel as far as my lips
Every thing else happened so fast, I realized the cops had been called by neighbours from hearing the noise. I was hulled outside into the dark night painted by the red and blue lights then into the black and white and from there on my who life seemed to diminish, my bloody shirt was replace with an orange two piece, my name changed to inmate 2005214, don’t remember the trial, because it didn’t take that long.
What happened to my pork chops, barbequed chicken, pasta, my Moët? My Val gift in the drawer? I guess the candles burned bright and out, the music played with no one to dance to it. Flowers dried up, ice-cream melted out. What happened to my well made home in anticipation of Valentine’s Day? I’ll never know
Its 2010 February 13, and my new cell mate asks,
You got anybody on the outside you would have spent tomorrow with
I rolled my back to him and say,
Wake me up when it’s February 15.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
AN OLD MAN’S TALK
Culture and tradition have imbibed in us, respect for our elders, taking heed to their advices and even crowning them “the wise ones”. For with the grey hair comes experience, wisdom and most times sayings that either make you wiser or shows how stupid one is when trying to interpret them. Even in the bible the use of parables and proverbs where foreign to some, which only showed their ignorance.
Most time when we are confronted with an old grey we always pay attention and nod heads in agreement even when we just don’t seem to make sense of what is said. (I feel they do it just so you realise their grey hair). This was the situation I found myself one day, here I was watching TV with an old grey, what was on was about weed (Egbo), he (old grey) then asks, “how do you feel about weed?”.
See me see question; in all honesty I answered: It’s not good for the health.
Old grey: how? Isn’t it used in prescribed drugs?
Me: because it doesn’t make one act right and think straight when taking excessively.
Old grey: how do you mean?
At this point I was stuck, because truth be told, I really didn’t know more than I had heard about it. (E dey make person high) how was I to explain highness?
Old grey: so to you it’s bad because you heard and because people say it’s bad.
Me: yes!
Old grey: so what would you say about people who smoke it and enjoy it and to them it’s good?
Me: emmmmm (scratching head).
Truth is before you can say something’s bad, its best to experience it, and if you see it’s bad for you, then you can say “it’s bad for you”. But don’t make the mistake of going about tell people that enjoy something its bad for them.
At this point, I was confused. I was thinking, killing is bad, does that mean I have to go out and kill before I realise its bad? I guess he was reading my mind, he said, it doesn’t apply when it gets to involve doing it to someone else. My next thought was sex, immediately he says for example, rape. Sex has to be consensual for it to not be bad. But when one party doesn’t give in, it’s bad.
Me: are you saying I can have sex so long as the girl agrees uncle?
Now it was his turn to scratch his old grey hair…lol
Old grey: I’m not talking about morally right or wrong, or ten commandments, talking about things we do to ourselves, example, most people that commit suicide are perceived as doing something wrong, to the suicider it’s good, a means to an end and when they do, they feel good about it, but when they don’t succeed they realise it’s wrong. Same goes for smoking, drinking, and every thing we tag morally wrong personal act. From there he went on to quote different proverbs, one man’s food is another mans poison, when a tree grows across into another mans land, it doesn’t make it the other mans own…(still don’t know how this applies), experience is the best teacher. So my question was, is he advising me to smoke weed? Or just trying to find out if I had smoked weed? I guess he really was saying i should have a personal opinion of decisions i make, experience things before I make an opinion, so does he mean I should try committing suicide and see the effects, good or bad? Or start doing drugs to know the effects so that I won’t come up blank the next time an old grey asks me same questions? I really started feeling dumb, since I really couldn’t understand his point. Not to look stupid I coined my own conclusion; keep your own opinions to yourself when you know you know nothing about something, don’t go forcing your own morals on someone else’s. Smart one right? Lol. Everybody has a reason for their personal actions, and be it bad or good, what draws the line of right or wrong is EXPERIENCE. So yes, experience is the best teacher. If you know you haven’t experienced something, please shut up when the experienced ones are talking. Experienced ones like old greys, let them do the talking and ‘we’ get confused cause we are all devoid of experience, and if you be smart enough you’ll pick up a thing or two, but if ye be stupid, you’ll be left confused like you are right now.
Most time when we are confronted with an old grey we always pay attention and nod heads in agreement even when we just don’t seem to make sense of what is said. (I feel they do it just so you realise their grey hair). This was the situation I found myself one day, here I was watching TV with an old grey, what was on was about weed (Egbo), he (old grey) then asks, “how do you feel about weed?”.
See me see question; in all honesty I answered: It’s not good for the health.
Old grey: how? Isn’t it used in prescribed drugs?
Me: because it doesn’t make one act right and think straight when taking excessively.
Old grey: how do you mean?
At this point I was stuck, because truth be told, I really didn’t know more than I had heard about it. (E dey make person high) how was I to explain highness?
Old grey: so to you it’s bad because you heard and because people say it’s bad.
Me: yes!
Old grey: so what would you say about people who smoke it and enjoy it and to them it’s good?
Me: emmmmm (scratching head).
Truth is before you can say something’s bad, its best to experience it, and if you see it’s bad for you, then you can say “it’s bad for you”. But don’t make the mistake of going about tell people that enjoy something its bad for them.
At this point, I was confused. I was thinking, killing is bad, does that mean I have to go out and kill before I realise its bad? I guess he was reading my mind, he said, it doesn’t apply when it gets to involve doing it to someone else. My next thought was sex, immediately he says for example, rape. Sex has to be consensual for it to not be bad. But when one party doesn’t give in, it’s bad.
Me: are you saying I can have sex so long as the girl agrees uncle?
Now it was his turn to scratch his old grey hair…lol
Old grey: I’m not talking about morally right or wrong, or ten commandments, talking about things we do to ourselves, example, most people that commit suicide are perceived as doing something wrong, to the suicider it’s good, a means to an end and when they do, they feel good about it, but when they don’t succeed they realise it’s wrong. Same goes for smoking, drinking, and every thing we tag morally wrong personal act. From there he went on to quote different proverbs, one man’s food is another mans poison, when a tree grows across into another mans land, it doesn’t make it the other mans own…(still don’t know how this applies), experience is the best teacher. So my question was, is he advising me to smoke weed? Or just trying to find out if I had smoked weed? I guess he really was saying i should have a personal opinion of decisions i make, experience things before I make an opinion, so does he mean I should try committing suicide and see the effects, good or bad? Or start doing drugs to know the effects so that I won’t come up blank the next time an old grey asks me same questions? I really started feeling dumb, since I really couldn’t understand his point. Not to look stupid I coined my own conclusion; keep your own opinions to yourself when you know you know nothing about something, don’t go forcing your own morals on someone else’s. Smart one right? Lol. Everybody has a reason for their personal actions, and be it bad or good, what draws the line of right or wrong is EXPERIENCE. So yes, experience is the best teacher. If you know you haven’t experienced something, please shut up when the experienced ones are talking. Experienced ones like old greys, let them do the talking and ‘we’ get confused cause we are all devoid of experience, and if you be smart enough you’ll pick up a thing or two, but if ye be stupid, you’ll be left confused like you are right now.
The animal in man
What ever one chooses to believe, every human has an animal(s) within. In most cases you have more than one, probably as many as a hundred. All it takes is the right situations or scenarios and BAM! You start exhibiting your animalistic traits. In the face of fear, some act the chicken they are, some lions, some are slithering snakes, whatever way one chooses to act on any given Sunday, is simply just acting the animal way.
Nope am not crazy, probably bored…lol, but be it as it may, you have to believe I’m right. Of all the animals God created man’s the ultimate prime. Did you ever wonder why we came last, why did He chose to make us look like an after thought (not saying he did)? Truth is for every unique creation, experiments must be made, till you arrive at you perfect precious. (I’m guessing monkeys where our last almost unique animal, am thinking he found them to be too hairy, noisy and mischievous so he corrected that with use except the mischief part)
After the uttering of the word, snapping of fingers, there was light, then night and day, bla bla bla……you know the story, and finally He got down to the business of the day (fourth day), creating life, Gen 1: 20, he started with the water animals, fishes, whales, jelly fish, shark, shawa, titus…….seriously living in water didn’t look like the best of options, they couldn’t be His prime, Life in water 24/7. Next stop were flying animals, now that would have be kinda cool, being able to fly, (without the feathers though), but hey picture traffic in the air, and being covered in feathers and chics laying eggs……lol, just so not cool.
Day 5, Gen 1:24, creation of cattle, creeping things and beasts of the earth, each according to its kind…..lol, would so love to see us working on all fours, eating grass spinning webs, licking ourselves clean and taking a dump anywhere we see fit. In the end we just weren’t cut out for all that drama, humiliation and grotesque life.
Finally came the creation of You, every You created unique on its own, best way that being made possible was by adding a little bit of animal traits here and there to create the one perfect you. Example, Nokia phone, right from 3310, 1100 down to the E and N series, it still has a unique feature, might be logo, ring tone, games or application, you can always tell a Nokia phone from Sony Ericsson. Same goes for man, you could be white, black, red, purple, and you’ll still have the traits that distinguish you as a human with animal instincts/traits. The biggest difference is just the will, free will, being able to think on your own.
When you’re called a coward, just a nice way of calling you chicken, you’re sluggish/slow - You’re a snail,
You’re a glutton-big fat pig,
Strong-you’re a horse,
Slippery-snake,
Selfish- my dog (andro),
Noisy/fool of pranks- monkey
Playful- puppy,
Slut-female dog (B***H),
Cute- kitten,
Stupid -turkey,
Stubborn - goat,
Ugly- camel/vulture,
Hard working-ant,
Crazy laughter-hyena,
Drunkard-fish
Night crawler-owl
Short sighted/blind- bat
Pest-fly, mosquito
Attaché-ticks
Hairy- definitely an ape
Dirty-pig
Smelly-goat/skunk
Talkative-parrot
Helpful – dolphin
Big and dumb- buffalo
Slim and dumb-giraffe
Just dumb – donkey
Miser – hermit crab
Boring – cow
Fart a lot – skunk
Cunning – definitely not tortoise (don’t know where all em story books got the idea)
Gullible – still a fish
Lecher – dog
Slim and ugly – chiwawa (spelling right)
Fat and ugly – Obasanjo (don’t get me wrong, that’s an animal)
Fat and lazy – hippo
Big and slow – elephant
Player – bull
Scavenger – vulture
Could go on and on with the list but my favourite of all is tall, strong, handsome – ME
Lol…….
So knock yourself out and add more if you like bit know this, when you see some one acting up, remember he’s just acting the animal in him/her
Nope am not crazy, probably bored…lol, but be it as it may, you have to believe I’m right. Of all the animals God created man’s the ultimate prime. Did you ever wonder why we came last, why did He chose to make us look like an after thought (not saying he did)? Truth is for every unique creation, experiments must be made, till you arrive at you perfect precious. (I’m guessing monkeys where our last almost unique animal, am thinking he found them to be too hairy, noisy and mischievous so he corrected that with use except the mischief part)
After the uttering of the word, snapping of fingers, there was light, then night and day, bla bla bla……you know the story, and finally He got down to the business of the day (fourth day), creating life, Gen 1: 20, he started with the water animals, fishes, whales, jelly fish, shark, shawa, titus…….seriously living in water didn’t look like the best of options, they couldn’t be His prime, Life in water 24/7. Next stop were flying animals, now that would have be kinda cool, being able to fly, (without the feathers though), but hey picture traffic in the air, and being covered in feathers and chics laying eggs……lol, just so not cool.
Day 5, Gen 1:24, creation of cattle, creeping things and beasts of the earth, each according to its kind…..lol, would so love to see us working on all fours, eating grass spinning webs, licking ourselves clean and taking a dump anywhere we see fit. In the end we just weren’t cut out for all that drama, humiliation and grotesque life.
Finally came the creation of You, every You created unique on its own, best way that being made possible was by adding a little bit of animal traits here and there to create the one perfect you. Example, Nokia phone, right from 3310, 1100 down to the E and N series, it still has a unique feature, might be logo, ring tone, games or application, you can always tell a Nokia phone from Sony Ericsson. Same goes for man, you could be white, black, red, purple, and you’ll still have the traits that distinguish you as a human with animal instincts/traits. The biggest difference is just the will, free will, being able to think on your own.
When you’re called a coward, just a nice way of calling you chicken, you’re sluggish/slow - You’re a snail,
You’re a glutton-big fat pig,
Strong-you’re a horse,
Slippery-snake,
Selfish- my dog (andro),
Noisy/fool of pranks- monkey
Playful- puppy,
Slut-female dog (B***H),
Cute- kitten,
Stupid -turkey,
Stubborn - goat,
Ugly- camel/vulture,
Hard working-ant,
Crazy laughter-hyena,
Drunkard-fish
Night crawler-owl
Short sighted/blind- bat
Pest-fly, mosquito
Attaché-ticks
Hairy- definitely an ape
Dirty-pig
Smelly-goat/skunk
Talkative-parrot
Helpful – dolphin
Big and dumb- buffalo
Slim and dumb-giraffe
Just dumb – donkey
Miser – hermit crab
Boring – cow
Fart a lot – skunk
Cunning – definitely not tortoise (don’t know where all em story books got the idea)
Gullible – still a fish
Lecher – dog
Slim and ugly – chiwawa (spelling right)
Fat and ugly – Obasanjo (don’t get me wrong, that’s an animal)
Fat and lazy – hippo
Big and slow – elephant
Player – bull
Scavenger – vulture
Could go on and on with the list but my favourite of all is tall, strong, handsome – ME
Lol…….
So knock yourself out and add more if you like bit know this, when you see some one acting up, remember he’s just acting the animal in him/her
DEATH ON WHEELS
In life one sure constant is change, change in nature, position, beings, status, change in life, even in death, change is always a constant. What we don’t seem to realise is that this change is just a revolving circle. Well am not hear to do a brainstorm on change, most people end up in the psych ward for trying. Me, I prefer starting from the end of change which in a way is also the gate way to a new beginning. Talking about death, when one dies another is born, giving way to continuity….bla bla bla! Seriously am beginning to confuse myself.
Death is the one thing most people don’t really pay attention to, well not until you’re 69 using walking stick or you start to dye your grey hair, then you think about it every now and then, when you wake up, your first thought will be “wow! I’m alive”, and when going to bed you always remember to pray and ask for forgiveness, just in case your time expires that night, but before that most young people don’t give death a second thought. True words; not everyone wakes up in the morning and think “wow! I didn’t die in my sleep”, for me my first thoughts are
“Damn I need a cup of coffee…….wait, first brush your teeth, no! First go tell mum good morning “. For some it’s
“Oh crap! I’m going to work today” or,
“Where am I? Oh yeah I remember, last night was wild; 6 bottles; who’s this guy/girl beside me?”
For the righteous ones and the un knowing hypocrites (they don’t realise they are hypocrites), they say their morning prayers, and then the day begins no thought of death. At night you go to bed planning the next day, WHY? Because you’re oblivious to the fact that death lurks around.
And the cycle continues, but what we don’t realise is that death circles us just about the same way air’s around us, just waiting and hoping it gets lucky.
The question now is, “is it because people are afraid of death, they keep it locked in a small room at the back of our brains? Avoiding the thought, or we chose not to acknowledge that it exists, for that reason you see people doing obscene life threatening, death welcoming things? Or maybe we know it’s timetable and are definitely sure your time's not coming soon. (Don’t say that to the family members of October 1st attack)
Whatever the reason, we can’t avoid the basic truth, we all have an expiry date. How? When? Is the question we all don’t know, but if you where to ask people, “How would you want to die?” majority of the reply would be “
"In my sleep",
"Peacefully",
And "when I’m old”.
Why do people have the notion that dying in ones sleep is always peaceful?
99% of the times it happens, the die (ee) is always alone, next morning we all say the dead (ee) died peacefully. PLEASE!!!!! Chances are the person had a heart attack, was choking or possibly had a spasm/convulsion which led to death.
Its hard to picture death as painless, even The Reaper holds a scythe (curve knife), which I definitely don’t think it’s for slicing bread, or farm work, or to compliment his evil looks. So please quit being unrealistic and be a realist. Embrace death, might not be painless but you could always picture your seven virgins waiting for you in paradise. That way you see a bright light at the end of the tunnel. (Quick question: if guys get seven virgins, what do ladies get? Seven hot studs? Lol)
So in the end, what if we where given the choice to pick how to leave this world, what would it be?
GUN:
Russian roulette
Firing squad
Bullet to the head/mouth
Grenade
War
BLADE:
Stabbing
Neck slicing
Wrist slicing
Beheading
EXPLOSION/FIRE:
Gas explosion
Petrol
Nuclear weapon
Missiles
Land mine
Terrorist attack
CRASH:
Plane
Car
Okada
Train (not possible in Nigeria)
DROWNING
Swimming pool
Titanic
Bath tub
OLD SCHOOL:
Crucifixion
Staking
Hanging
Beheading
Gladiator
Stoning
MEDCINE
drugs (illegal overdose)
Diseases
Virus
Lethal injection
Bad health.
In the end deaths inevitable, what matters is how ready and prepared we are for it. A huge percentage of humans don’t wake up with the knowledge of death, probably those on death row, or wanting to commit suicide, or probably grand parents like mine that have lived up to 95. The people that died in the bomb blast on Independence Day 2010, never woke up with the knowledge of their inevitable end. Most times our choices point us in the direction of our downfall, other times it turns us away, but in the end it catches up with us, the only difference is the timing in which it takes to catch up.
My advice, be not afraid for eventually we all have to accept it, see it as a gate way to the end, an end that opens to a new beginning. You have only one life, so why not make the best of it? Death can’t be out run even if you’ve got jet engines, death is on and definitely got faster wheels.
Death is the one thing most people don’t really pay attention to, well not until you’re 69 using walking stick or you start to dye your grey hair, then you think about it every now and then, when you wake up, your first thought will be “wow! I’m alive”, and when going to bed you always remember to pray and ask for forgiveness, just in case your time expires that night, but before that most young people don’t give death a second thought. True words; not everyone wakes up in the morning and think “wow! I didn’t die in my sleep”, for me my first thoughts are
“Damn I need a cup of coffee…….wait, first brush your teeth, no! First go tell mum good morning “. For some it’s
“Oh crap! I’m going to work today” or,
“Where am I? Oh yeah I remember, last night was wild; 6 bottles; who’s this guy/girl beside me?”
For the righteous ones and the un knowing hypocrites (they don’t realise they are hypocrites), they say their morning prayers, and then the day begins no thought of death. At night you go to bed planning the next day, WHY? Because you’re oblivious to the fact that death lurks around.
And the cycle continues, but what we don’t realise is that death circles us just about the same way air’s around us, just waiting and hoping it gets lucky.
The question now is, “is it because people are afraid of death, they keep it locked in a small room at the back of our brains? Avoiding the thought, or we chose not to acknowledge that it exists, for that reason you see people doing obscene life threatening, death welcoming things? Or maybe we know it’s timetable and are definitely sure your time's not coming soon. (Don’t say that to the family members of October 1st attack)
Whatever the reason, we can’t avoid the basic truth, we all have an expiry date. How? When? Is the question we all don’t know, but if you where to ask people, “How would you want to die?” majority of the reply would be “
"In my sleep",
"Peacefully",
And "when I’m old”.
Why do people have the notion that dying in ones sleep is always peaceful?
99% of the times it happens, the die (ee) is always alone, next morning we all say the dead (ee) died peacefully. PLEASE!!!!! Chances are the person had a heart attack, was choking or possibly had a spasm/convulsion which led to death.
Its hard to picture death as painless, even The Reaper holds a scythe (curve knife), which I definitely don’t think it’s for slicing bread, or farm work, or to compliment his evil looks. So please quit being unrealistic and be a realist. Embrace death, might not be painless but you could always picture your seven virgins waiting for you in paradise. That way you see a bright light at the end of the tunnel. (Quick question: if guys get seven virgins, what do ladies get? Seven hot studs? Lol)
So in the end, what if we where given the choice to pick how to leave this world, what would it be?
GUN:
Russian roulette
Firing squad
Bullet to the head/mouth
Grenade
War
BLADE:
Stabbing
Neck slicing
Wrist slicing
Beheading
EXPLOSION/FIRE:
Gas explosion
Petrol
Nuclear weapon
Missiles
Land mine
Terrorist attack
CRASH:
Plane
Car
Okada
Train (not possible in Nigeria)
DROWNING
Swimming pool
Titanic
Bath tub
OLD SCHOOL:
Crucifixion
Staking
Hanging
Beheading
Gladiator
Stoning
MEDCINE
drugs (illegal overdose)
Diseases
Virus
Lethal injection
Bad health.
In the end deaths inevitable, what matters is how ready and prepared we are for it. A huge percentage of humans don’t wake up with the knowledge of death, probably those on death row, or wanting to commit suicide, or probably grand parents like mine that have lived up to 95. The people that died in the bomb blast on Independence Day 2010, never woke up with the knowledge of their inevitable end. Most times our choices point us in the direction of our downfall, other times it turns us away, but in the end it catches up with us, the only difference is the timing in which it takes to catch up.
My advice, be not afraid for eventually we all have to accept it, see it as a gate way to the end, an end that opens to a new beginning. You have only one life, so why not make the best of it? Death can’t be out run even if you’ve got jet engines, death is on and definitely got faster wheels.
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